what am i to do?

I’ve been experiencing some confusion over the last few days. Some of you probably think I’ve been confused much longer. But in my mind, just for a few days. Let me give you some background:

I love the church and those within it and have always felt that this was the focus of my ministry. However, I’ve been feeling myself more and more marginalized by these. For instance, there was a man who was trying to get me to come to his college chapel as a guest speaker. He was finally told that I would not be invited because, after reviewing my blog, they decided I was not orthodox enough. This didn’t come as a shock. But Lisa pointed out that I was in some kind of a mood, and I realized that the news percolated deep within me and caused me to question what it is I do. This is nothing new. I’ve experienced this for years, even within the church.

Why do I do what I do? If those I want to serve don’t receive it, then what’s the point? I invite them to my banquet that I so passionately and carefully and lovingly prepare and few come. Lisa said, “Why do you expect that which you critique to embrace you?” Good question! She also said, “You wrote a whole book on vision, yet you are full of expectations and hopes and dreams about your blog. It’s killing you and paralyzing your blog. You need to let the vision you have for nakedpastor die.” She’s right.

I need to do what I do because I love it. Period. I am passionate about it. Lisa challenged me: “You are a sower. Sow the seed everywhere. Cast it all around. Generously! Where it will take, it will take. Don’t worry about the rest. Make the feast and let it feed those who come. Don’t be resentful about the others who reject it.” She’s right. She pointed out that I should notice that most of my readers are not even within the church and have been totally rejected by the church and marginalized by Christianity. She’s right.

I have lots of good friends who give me wise strategic advice about how to make my blog more successful and profitable. I appreciate them all. But I’ve decided I can’t go there. I don’t make any money from my blog and very little from my art. I don’t make anywhere near a living off of it like some people assume, and I have no hopes that I will. Nakedpastor is my church, and I have to keep it free of vision or it will kill it just like I’ve seen vision kill other communities before.

So I’m going to keep cooking and serving. You are always welcome to come and dine.

And… as you can see… where would I be without my Lisa?