Default Reset

I feel like my default is being reset.

The last couple of years of my church career was, shall I say, brutal. It was extremely difficult. I’m not blaming the church as much as my own lack of maturity and resilience as a person and as a pastor. But it was, in any case, very challenging, exhausting and disappointing. Toward the end anyway.

I recognize now that I was not living very much in joy. I had allowed the increasing weight of my responsibilities, struggles and losses to dampen my spirits. The exterior attritions eroded my resolve until I experienced attrition interiorly.

Lisa knew. Nearer the end she would often observe, “You’re not happy.” I couldn’t respond to that honestly at the time because I knew what it would mean. The ramifications were enormous, not just for me personally but for my church.

The truth is, as someone who was always considered buoyant, my default setting had become melancholic. I was mostly sad with occasional bouts of happiness. But now my original default setting is being restored. I’m enjoying happiness with occasional bouts of sadness.

And this setting’s just fine.

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