Repost: The Committee on Committee on Committees

originally posted May 20, 2013

Growing up Baptist, I was entranced by the abundance of committees that seemed to cover every facet of church life. A committee for flowers? Check. A hostess committee? Check. (Only later did I realize that this committee had nothing to do with a favorite brand of comfort foods). But one committee always intrigued me with its deeply authoritative and far-reaching title: the committee on committees.

This was the pinnacle. This was the magical smoke-filled back room committee where the real power was exerted. Who wanted to be on something lame like the properties committee when you could be on the committee on committees? This committee was the supreme power, the Council of Elrond of Baptist churches.

As I grew a little older, my typical male aspirations of world domination played itself out in my Baptist world, and I created a new, fictitious, uber-powerful committee that would rule all committees: the Committee on Committee on Committees. This highly secretive committee would wield uncontrolled power to install puppet committees throughout the church.

Growing up in a typical Baptist church, here are some of the new committees that the Committee on Committee on Committees would install:

• The Surly Greeter Committee – This committee would ensure that the meanest, poutiest, surliest members (and oldest, preferably) would greet at the front doors. They would set an acceptably dour mood for the service.
• The Pew Kicker Committee – This committee would deputize one angry couple a week to go throughout the sanctuary and kick guests out of their seats, claiming that they were sitting in their row. They would ensure that the pecking order of seniority remained intact.
• The Temperature Complaining Committee – This committee would be made exclusively of senior ladies who would be strategically placed throughout the sanctuary to loudly complain that the temperature was too cold (no matter what the actual temperature).
• The Baby Screaming Committee – This committee would commission new moms to keep their babies out of the nursery and bring them into the service, preferably fussy. These moms would assume that everyone would love to watch and hear this new, screaming bundle of joy for an hour.
• The Sleeping Choir Member Committee – This committee would enlist at least one choir member per service to fall asleep (noticeably) during the pastor’s sermon. The closer they sat directly behind the pastor, the better.
• The Clothing Diva Committee – This committee would be an added bonus to the Baptist church. This committee would be formed exclusively of median aged wives and moms who think each Sunday service is an opportunity to dress for the Kentucky Derby. Their over-the-top and look-at-me outfits would ensure that people have someone to talk about at lunch.

QUESTION: What new committees would you install for the typical church?