What Your Wedding Vows Were Really Like

If you missed church this weekend at Mt Vernon Church, then you missed a faux wedding for the ages! When you walked into our worship center for the services, you encountered ushers wearing tuxedo tshirts, Pachelbel’s Canon in D playing lightly over the speakers, and the stage decked out for a wedding.

After choosing either the bride’s or groom’s side, you watched as the wedding party made it down the aisle, until it was just me (as the minister) and our bride and groom to be. At this point, you didn’t know what to think. “Are they really putting on a wedding during church?” “This is Mt Vernon. What are they up to?” “Will there be punch and cake afterwards?”

Those questions went unanswered, until the vows came. That was the ruse. Instead of the mushy, well-intended but poorly followed through vows we usually hear, we inserted some more realistic vows. This tongue-in-cheek look at wedding vows was a hilarious introduction to our marriage series we’re currently doing at Mt Vernon. Thanks Church on the Move for the incredible idea! Below is the transcript from the wedding. Enjoy the vows!

TWO BECOME ONE

MINISTER The vows you are about to take should be taken with caution and with much consideration of their content. Please turn and face each other. Bryan place the ring on Danielle’s hand and repeat these vows after me. I Bryan take you Danielle.

BRYAN I Bryan, take you Danielle.

MINISTER To be my lawfully wedded starter wife. (repeat) For better and better.(Repeat) For richer as we go into debt.(repeat) As long as you stay skinny. (repeat) I promise to yell at you. (repeat) To ignore and neglect you. (repeat) to compare you to other women.(repeat) From this day forward. (repeat) I promise to be faithful to you. (repeat) Until I convince the girl at work to get with me. (repeat) Til’ divorce do us part.(repeat) Now Danielle place the ring on Bryan’s hand and repeat after me. I Danielle take you Bryan.

DANIELLE I Danielle take you Bryan.

MINISTER To be my starter husband.(repeat) From this day forward. As we try this out for a while. (repeat) To join with you as long as I can manipulate you.(repeat)  To demean you.(repeat) and tear you down in front of my friends.(repeat) To despise you. (repeat)I promise to be faithful to you.(repeat) As long as you make a ton of money. (repeat) I am completely yours (repeat) most of the time. (repeat) Til’ divorce do us part. (repeat)

You have made this commitment hoping that you would be one of the lucky couples in which their marriage  would actually work. That you would be able to tolerate each other for a lifetime, and I admire your ambition. As witnesses we are honored to share this moment with you  and we wish you the best of luck even though the chances are really only 50/50. Because of the promise you have made to each other today I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.