Your Tone Does Matter

In several debates that have taken place over the last few months, there has been an increasing number of people who complain that they are being targeted by the “tone police.” In their minds, the “tone police” are those who going around during a discussion and tell people that they don’t disagree with their argument, but their tone is wrong. In response to the rebukes about tone, some have argued that tone shouldn’t matter. “After all,” they say, “if you love the truth, you will not care what kind of tone is used. You will just rejoice in hearing the truth.”

The main point that I want to make in this post is that the manner in which you say things is as important as the content of what you are saying.  Yes, the truth is the truth no matter how it is spoken, but there is a manner of speaking the truth which betrays the truth and takes away from the truth.  Several passages of Scripture demonstrate the importance of our tone and our intention in speaking the truth to people.

The Intention of Your Words
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Ephesians 4:29
Unfortunately many read this passage and use it as a proof text for avoiding curse words.  This misses the main intention of the text.  Whatever “corrupting talk” means, it is the opposite of speech that builds people up.  Our words have the power to tear down and to build up.  Paul encourages Christians to avoid talk which is corrosive in nature and to focus on that which builds up and gives grace.  Whatever words we may use, they must be spoken to bring grace to people.  This does not mean our words will always be verbal pats on the back.  Our words may be rebukes or challenges, but their purpose must be to bring grace to the people who are hearing them.

The Manner of Your Words
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-6
Paul describes the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13.  While we often hear this read at weddings, this chapter is sandwiched between two chapters dedicated to the use of spiritual gifts.  He is speaking of the concern that should override everything that the church does.  Our words should be characterized by love and Paul shows Christians what love looks like.  Of note for this discussion, love is kind and is not rude.  This one fact provides a template for all of a Christian’s speech.  It should be governed by kindness and never characterized by rudeness.

When these things are considered, we see that there is a way to speak the the truth that betrays the truth.  When our words are marked by a desire to tear down rather than build up, our attitude undermines the truth that we desire to speak.  If our tone is rude and condescending rather than kind, our speaking the truth is a resounding gong and a clanging cymbal.  Let us desire then, to speak the truth in a way that commends the truth and reinforces truth.  May our ambition be to speak the truth with love, kindness, and grace that demonstrate the truth we are speaking.

Related Posts:
“Guilt-Driven Preaching Needs to Die”
“How I Learned about Forgiveness”

For Further Reading:
Speaking the Truth in Love by David Powlison