When I was young, you could play your KISS tapes as loud as you wanted. Back then, speakers had only a tinny AM type a sound. Even when Disco threatened world civ, no one’s doors rattled with its dizzying round-n-round. No sir. But these days, it’s quieter in Iraq than on the streets of a Merica.
If I am elected, I will see to it that there’s a sound ordinance phone number, like the current 911 system, on every cell phone. You hear an offender — you know the ones: Sounds like dinosaur at 5 o’clock in your rear view, light turns red, sits beside you, music so deafening you get that metallic taste in your mouth like you just been punched, your car starts rattling, you dare not look over at the black tinted windows with the wheels still spinnin though it’s sitting still (except for the breathing doors which bulge with the “music” whose lyrics are spouting God knows what) …
SO, you hear the offending dinosaur, what do you do?
You dial *7#7*7.
That’s right. Dial *7#7*7.
This number contacts no one. Instead, it disables any thundering pimp wagon within 20 yards and automatically switches their ha-uge bling, bling sound system to pure AM radio static. Pure static.
This, my fellow Mericans, might seem extreme to some. But to these people I say, think about it, All Hillary Clinton All the Time, or even Sean Hannity for that matter, would be far, far worse. Intolerable.
As it now stands, should we tarry on this measure, in future generations English will no longer be spoken in this great land. Rather, a crude form of sign language will surely take its place. Though they’ve lost their minds, let us help our beloved thugs before they also lose their hearing.
Vote for me, Elmer P. Floodbottom.
* * * * *
Gore Vidal said, “Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never vote for president. One hopes it is the same half.”
W.C. Fields said, “I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”
Quotes stolen from Writer’s Almanac.