God Discovers the Elusive “Physicist Particle”

God Discovers the Elusive “Physicist Particle” July 5, 2012
An artist's rendering of the Physicist Particle, also known as the Higgs Bozo.

HEAVEN (AP) – After millennia of research and arguably the most expensive scientific experiment of all time involving thousands of angels and celestial beings, God announced this morning that he believes he has discovered the elusive “Physicist Particle,” the final human particle to be discovered according to the Standard Model of human creation.  While other human types have already been created and sent to populate the earth, the Physicist Particle proved the most difficult of all human particles to produce.  Trillions of humans were smashed together at extremely high velocities in the Large Human Collider (LHC) in the hope that examining the remains might reveal the secret of the Physicist Particle.

Known to scientists as the Higgs Bozo — because the Standard Model places the Physicist in the clown class of humans, and because Archangel Higgs was among the first to theorize its existence (although Archangels Michael and Gabriel told this reporter the idea was theirs first, and they’ve never heard of an Archangel Higgs anyway) — the particle came to be known as the “Physicist Particle” because of a book by Leon Seraphim, entitled “The Physicist Particle: If Humans Are the Answer, What the Hell Were We Thinking?”  The Almighty Himself was not fond of the book, but the name stuck.  God even staged a renaming competition and the leading competitor was “The Coke Bottle Bozo,” because it was believed the Physicist Particle would wear extremely thick glasses.

Archangel Higgs

Like all human particles, the Higgs Bozo has certain qualities that can be determined through their interactions with other particles and fields.  God and celestial scientists at Moses University are already observing the effects of the Physicist Particle on Earth.  They believe the Field of Physics (of which the Bozo is a quantum) gives other human particles gas.  They also find that the Physicist Particle is Strange, possesses no spin, and has no Color, because it rarely sees the light of the sun, preferring to remain in the lab for extraordinary lengths of time.  The particle is also far more averse to coupling than other subatomic particles, especially with femions, and most likely to couple with other Higgs Bozos for trips to Dunkin Donuts or to watch the latest comic book movie.

“This is a very exciting moment,” said God.  “Now humans will be able to study the origins of the universe and the basic structure of matter and energy — and they’ll have many more Bozos to choose from for their children’s parties.”

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  • Dear Timothy:
    I am reading the new book Liberty the God that Failed. Policing the Sacred and Constructing the Myths of the Secular State, from Locke to Obama. The author is Chris Ferrara, a pro-life lawyer This is the best account of American history that I have read. It shows the shallowness of attempts to Christianize the American Founders (Gingrich, Weigel, Chaput et al). Kind regards, Anthony

    • Timothy Dalrymple

      Thanks for the tip, Anthony. I appreciate it.

  • Heart

    Was there a point to this article?

    • Timothy Dalrymple

      Just humor, my friend.

  • PJDvarley

    Timothy, your god is becoming less significant with every new discovery. The day is coming when you, or if your dead, then those following your “philosophy” will be compelled by circumstances to either deny god or remain behind as science takes the rest of us to “rapture”!! Goodbye, Timothy!

    • Timothy Dalrymple

      If I believed in a God of the Gaps, then these discoveries might threaten me or my beliefs. I do not, so they do not. Please, don’t assume that I’m all anti-science just because I’m Christian. I outgrew the false “science versus religion” narrative a long time ago. I’d recommend you do the same.

    • tony

      I was watching an interview on TV about this. The interviewer asked this scientist if this discovery will once and for all push God out of the realm of being a possibility, to which the scientist replied, “Absolutely. We are going to be able to discover the beginning before page one of Genesis.” In my opinion, this is not going to push God anywhere. Even with this amazing discovery, the simple fact remains that this “particle” made up of gasses still had to be created. That’s the argument that non-believers get really mad at because it’s the one detail Christians keep pointing out and, thus, the one answer non-believers don’t have. If anything, this particle points directly to Creation. I never pictured God whisking trees and mountains out of his hands to make this universe. Why? Look around you. His process is extremely balanced and scientific. So a particle that explodes and divides light from dark, then spills out all that is around us not only sounds scientifically correct, but it lines up as a plausible explanation of Genesis.

      So if you really want to “disprove” God, all you have to do is explain how all of this came to be without a Creator. It’s the most annoying, repetitive question we Christ followers ask, and for that I’m sorry. But it still is also the most important question to ask, and one that baffles even the most learned scientists. Well, at least the ones who can’t imagine a Creator who may just know more about science than they do.

  • the Higgs Field might be G-d.

    In my view, God existed before the universe and withdrew to make room for our 3 dimensions and amtter and energy.

    And also withdrew to make room for moral choices and decisions.

    We live in that space and we construct our lives and our fate in it, too.

    God is in constant and direct and conscious contact with everything in our dimensions and each of us though the contact is better when we turn toward Him and seek Him and tune Him in. Prayer is not a phonecall we place to God’s phone and which He answers or not. Prayer is how we tune ur inner radio, out INNER CERN ACCELERATOR to hear, see, feel God and receive His wisdom.

    Nothing in the cosmology is contradicted by anything in Einstein or Higgs.

  • vorjack

    Let’s be fair. Most physicists are as tired of the phrase “the God Particle” as you are. Leon Lederman coined it, and I suspect he now heartily regrets it. It’s caught on in the media, and now we can’t get away from it.

    • Timothy Dalrymple

      Oh, I know. That’s why I had God regretting the term “Physicist Particle.”

      I hope it’s clear this is all in good fun. I have nothing against physicists. Physics was my first love, in fact, and I still greatly enjoy talking with my physicist friends and keeping as up to date as I can on developments in the field.

      • Lederman originally called it the “God-d…” particle because it was known to require so much effort to find—this was the time of Congress’ considering and ultimately killing the Texas Superconducting Supercollider, which would have been several times more powerful than the LHC. If you don’t mind a self-cite, a post I wrote after the preliminary announcement last December has links giving some some physics-eschatological significance and other angles on the story.

  • jake

    Thanks for the smile on my face! This is wonderful.


  • wendy maclean

    YES!!! This is grand! Thank you! I love the playfulness, and joy in the wild and wonderful playfulness of creation. The wisdom is fractal: widening circles of amazing wonder, out out out into the cosmos, in in in to the heart. YES!

  • james


    I’m a believer, and working in a very technical field, and I grinned all the way through the post. Funnier still that folks weren’t sure it was humor.

    Thank you for the laugh. Made my day!

  • Todd Michael Greene

    Sometimes sarcasm can be a great teacher. Thanks for the chuckle.