I’m pretty sure lying there, last night, trying to breathe, watching that horrible debate was the wrong choice, like milk on a hot San Diego day, but one good thing finally happened. After months and months of deep gloom about Our Political Apocalypse, in the first few moments of shouting, some sad place broke open in my dark interior and I laughed with all the breath I had in me. Enough with the tragedy. Here are seven fabulous things about this election cycle.
One. Yay America! The issues this cycle are not hard to understand. We don’t have to worry about really complicated policy issues like being able to count up all the missing dollars in Social Security, or trying to bend our fragile minds around any kind of complicated treaty. There aren’t any treaties! And there isn’t any more money! So now we can talk about stuff we understand, like “Shut Up I’m Talking”.
Two. You know, there isn’t enough bawdy sex talk in the public square. There just isn’t. So I’m really grateful that the first thing we could establish last night, is that everything is just fine with Mr. Trump. I’m not embarrassed by this subject At All and I think every debate should open with something like that. In fact, I wish the children had been up so they could see first hand what politics is really all about.
Three. Also, it’s So Great to have So Many people engaged and interested in politics for the first time in their lives. The YUGE crowds on the campaign trail calling us back to the good old days when we could just beat up a single black woman, the shouting down of people talking on stage, the disrespectfulness–it’s all there. It’s great to have the whole spectrum of political speech and engagement on the screen.
Four. I’ve been saying for months and months that Mr. Trump is the logical next step from Obama and everyone has been laughing at me and thinking I’m crazy. I am personally delighted to be able to say, in so many small and delicate ways, “I Told You So”. I mean, I still hope he doesn’t win, but if he does, at least everyone will gain a deeper level of respect for my Foresight, Cleverness and Good Judgement.
Five. I have felt kind of sad about having to homeschool, and wondered all these years if it was really necessary, maybe forming and shaping the minds of my children isn’t that big of a deal. Well, yay me! No longer do I live with even a tumblerful of existential doubt on that score. For every single parent who can just bring up one child not to scream like a lunatic when someone else is talking, to not be swayed by that gorgeous sweep of perfectly dyed blond hair, to be able to listen to what someone is actually saying, to not have a sense of entitled belittling of others, It’s An Incredible Service To Humanity. Keep up the good work guys!
Six. As I was laughing in shock and horror last night, these precious and necessary words flew into my mind…the perfect words to say, when you are faced with a candidate you will never ever vote for, words you’ve always longed for an occasion to use but the moment was never quite right, (paraphrased), ready? “From the first I was impressed by your arrogance, your conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others. I had not known you a month before I knew you were the Last Man On Earth Whom I Could Ever Vote For.”
Seven. And finally, the very best part of this election season is that we really get to see where we really are. Usually we have candidates who flatter us and puff us up. But this time we get the candidates who really reflect who we really are: an old white socialist, a criminal, the Barbie Ken Doll, a preachy and annoying Anglican, a Buffoon, and a brilliant lawyer. I can’t think of a better representative smattering of the American psyche than this. It’s no use moaning and trying to elevate the self above the terrible choices of the field. There are thousands of small steps leading up to this moment and everyone who has ever cast a ballot shares some of the blame. We get the candidates and the president we deserve. And, fabulously, we can no longer lie to ourselves about ourselves. There it is, in bright patriotic lights. What an opportunity! No longer having to live under the burden of self deception and thinking everything is alright, we can take this important moment, all of us, to prostrate ourselves before an almighty God and beg for mercy. Just think, if every single American prayed something like, “O God, help help!” think what good things might happen. Maybe Sweet Meteor of Death will finally come, sending us into that eternal night where we can just be still, and not think, and not shout, and not be so racist.
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