This is the week of the listicle, probably, because I am tragically in my third week of moving back and forth between the couch and a chair, trying to pretend that I feel better than I do. Two trips to the doctor, a round of antibiotics, and hours of frustration–don’t want to even think about what God is trying to tell me.
Here’s what happens when The Mother gets sick.
*No one can remember how to pick up anything off the floor because you’re not able to get up and show them.
*No one can find their school books. They all just have to stand looking sad, not knowing where they are.
*No one can remember what school work they have. No one can, see, because who knows where the books are?
*But later, everyone can recriminate you for not helping them get through all their school work. “I wanted to do my math,” they say, “but you didn’t help me.”
*No one can remember that there was chicken in the oven and so it burned all the way up.
*No one can remember how to change over the laundry. You explain it, and they all go in and stand in front of the washer, for a while they stand there, and then they all come back and ask you to say it again.
*Eventually you begin passing out cash to get anyone to do anything.
*Then you regret passing out cash because everything looks worse after it was “cleaned.”
*You begin to doubt the reason for your existence and know that you’re husband would be happier with some healthier more competent wife.
*You castigate and blame him for feeling this way. He retreats into a baffled silence because he wasn’t actually thinking of getting a different wife and doesn’t understand why you are angrily blaming him.
*His peachy good health begins to drive you crazy.
*All the children begin to plaintively ask you when you are going to get well. Every four or five seconds. Then they ask if they can watch something. You say no. But eventually you say yes because no one can find their school books.
*You finally give up and pray, but only with a lot of guilt for not thinking of doing this first.
*It doesn’t work so you go back to blaming God and everybody.
*You make lists of all the things you were going to do just so you know how it really is. Which is bad. Very bad.
*Finally you stagger away from the couch and back to bed, dragging your roses with you, and hoping that the Internet will make you feel better. It doesn’t, because why would it.
Pip pip! Have a lovely day! Oh, and listen to this! I got to be on Christ and Pop Culture’s Persuasion podcast with Hannah Anderson and Erin Straza. And today, unaccountably, I’m being interviewed by the local news, for a 20 second spot. I’m going to pretend to feel well. It’s going to be so great.