7 Black Friday Takes

One
Just kidding. I’m not doing Black Friday. Although I did wake up very easily to gaze at pictures of the mayhem online. Matt looked over my shoulder and said, ‘Just like church. Millions of people beating down the door to get the awesome free salvation.’

Two
Amazon has been prodding me to go and look at their super awesome deals that have been apparently going on all week. Because one day of hysterical shopping isn’t enough. One day I obediently clicked through my email to see what they thought I ought to buy. And boy were they wrong. I didn’t want any of that stuff. Didn’t even know what a lot of it was. Thought they would be able to divine that all I want for Christmas is a thinner me and some beautiful something that I will just know when I see it. I don’t know what it is, but the person who really loves me will know, and get it for me. Amazon is such a failure.

Three
I mean, I get the stressed out feeling. The feeling of lack, of needing to get my hands on something right this second or I won’t be happy. That’s a deep and terrible feeling akin to the equally perilous feeling of needing to escape, to get out. To not be able to bear the way things are for one more single minute. It’s a very interesting proposition to monetize and exploit that universal human experience. The only way I’ll be able to cope is if I buy these things right now, because Christmas.

Four
I mean, that’s the reason for the season–getting stuff. But in a deeper sense, it seems like it’s the one moment of the year to make everything ok. If everything went terribly for me this year, at least at Christmas all the pain will be momentarily dulled in a frenzy of shiny paper. And maybe it will be. But then I still have to wake up the next morning and face 2018.

Five
You’d think Jesus would be able to compete with such a sure and certain sadness. You don’t need that pile of stuff! All you need is Jesus! Except that Jesus always makes it worse, eventually taking all your stuff and yourself and your life so that you’re stuck with only him, which, if you’re not transfixed by love, is kind of a drag.

If you are though, it makes Christmas pretty charming.

Six
No, no Black Friday for me. I mean, I might just pop over real quick to Alice’s Closet, which isn’t advertising Black, but rather Pink Friday. I mean, it’s not so much for the incredible deals, it’s the camaraderie. I mean I don’t need anything…except a slightly bigger pair of trousers to accommodate the rather abundant amount of food I partook of yesterday. But that’s it! I’m above such low brow consumerism. This weekend, when you see me on my tablet, you can trust that I’m probably reading the Bible. Of course I’m not wandering around Amazon clicking buy now. Of course I’m not. Leave me alone.

Seven
Go read more Takes instead of questioning me. Pip pip!