It’s Thursday, and International Women’s Day, my Favorite! Here are Three Funny Things for you to celebrate, because truly, what a stupid time to be alive.
One
Look at this! Kim Kardashian is selling feminist empowerment emojis. Last year she adopted the feminist moniker, proclaiming herself to finally be one, and this year, to celebrate all women everywhere, besides posing topless in some more magazines and on Instagram and stuff, she’s designed little tiny emojis of female body parts. Little tiny bums and hips and chests and “empowering slogans.” You can buy them, you know, for money. Because you won’t need that cash when the sweet release of apocalyptic cataclysm finally comes. Remember, nothing says Female Empowerment better than cartoonishly airbrushed female nudity!
Two
McDonalds is getting in on the action this year by turning those iconic arches upside down on social media. But not only so, many stores are taking the time to literally pry the the M off the base and turn it over into a W. You know, in celebration of all women and their achievements or whatever. Because when I’m looking for a burger, I like to know I’m being celebrated. Also, does this mean that for the other 364 days of the year, when the arches are the right way round, they don’t stand for McDonalds? They actually stand for Men? I feel triggered. Anyway, remember, nothing says Female Empowerment better than nakedly (see above) crass politically correct multimillion dollar pandering.
Three
And then of course there is this foolishness, tweeted by some young female in honor of herself on this important day.
You are Perfect.. you don’t have to change for anyone. Just love yourself and remember to be a better version of yourself as you wake up every morning. Lots of love ❤️
Happy #InternationalWomensDay2018
This, one of many hundreds of tweets, is appended to a pastel colored pretty princess cartoon–a pink and lavender young girl in fluffy dress with crown. Because nothing says Women’s Empowerment like infantilism.
And, just for a bonus, of course, Google is wildly shouting that the future is female. I mean, I know that my future will be female, because I myself am female. But how curious that the future in a general cosmic sense, not being, as you know, a person at all, but rather time that has yet be lived in, is now going to be female. So I guess all the men who have to go into the future will also have to be female? And all the stuff and events? Does the future have to have a gender? It can’t be, as it were, gender neutral? But truly, nothing says Female Empowerment better than poorly conceived of and badly written sloganeering! It helps all women everywhere! And makes men love them more! And makes everyone happy!
So get out there and celebrate yourselves. Unless you’re a man, in which case, go patronize your favorite women by telling her she can do anything and that you just want her to be strong and beautiful. Tinkerty Tonk.
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