Two Trite Things For Tuesday

[Jesus excited about Election Day in America.]

Well, it’s Election Day. So that’s going to be disappointing, because some people are going to win. Wish all of them could lose. Maybe I will turn that wish into a prayer and beg God for mercy. But probably I will just gently simmer a full pan of chickpeas and then blend them with a generous amount of tahini and some lemon and a hint of garlic. In other words, let us consider some more important matters.

The First Trite Thing
I got married a long time ago—well, not that long ago but not yesterday either—and one thing I didn’t know, as a result of my age, I guess, is that if you are getting engaged, it is practically the end of the world if you didn’t have time to get your nails done before the magical moment. I know this in real life, from talking to newly engaged people, and now HuffPo has provided social media confirmation, which proves that it’s true.

You’ve gotta click on the link because then you can see the two pictures. In the first picture there’s the lovely couple with a hand in front of them, ring-laden and perfectly manicured of course. And in the second picture you can see that there’s a third person, the cousin of the soon to be bride, kneeling in front of the couple, proffering her hand in place of the one that should be wearing the ring. It’s a curious sort of imputation, or something.

Color, hem, me confused. Both pictures are on huffpo, which means we know the first picture is a ruse…which means it didn’t really work, did it? I mean, did it work? Is it acceptable to have fake engagement pictures that everyone knows are fake? I feel a fainting spell coming on.

But more importantly, what happens if someone asks you to marry him and your nails aren’t done and you don’t have a third hand to substitute for instagram? Does it mean that you’re not actually engaged?

The Second Trite Thing
Perhaps we can find out the answer by looking at the obviously well done nails of Nadia Bolz-Weber who has a new book coming out defending the consumption of “ethically sourced porn.”* It’s stupid, she insists, to think that God cares about that sort of thing. Hang on, I think there’s a quote. Here…oops…never mind, they’re all profane.

Appearances are everything, I think. So as long as the porn you’re making can be seen by all people as not exploitative, however you want to define that so that it means the opposite of what it used to mean, it’s totally fine.

To console yourself, here are the best Jesus work place pictures, ranked. If you’re worried about your engagement photos, and are scurrying around to get your nails done, how lame must you feel when you realize you didn’t even arrange to have Jesus in the shot? If you have to have a third, he should probably be it. No wait! You don’t need Jesus because Mr. Trump is doing his work for him.

Well, there you are. It’s Election Day in America! What a fantastic time to be alive.

*Insert string of favorite laughing gifs here.