Bad Tweets on Tuesday

I don’t really have any hobbies. I don’t do any crafting and I’m not overburdened with extra time for what you might call any ‘leisure activities’. But I do think it is important, in the spirit of the age, to do something just for ‘myself’. So a while ago, for self-care and for treats, I began to collect dumb tweets. I have a file on my phone, and every so often, when I happen upon some sparkly gem of human absurdity, I copy and paste it into my file. It’s just a private collection for me, never to see the light of day. Whenever I die, if you hack into my device, you can scroll through and find what I thought was most ridiculous and representative of twitter, but then, you should just delete it, because it served its purpose in this life—to make me laugh uproariously.

Today, though, given that Tuesday is basically the new Monday, I thought it might be fun to enjoy a few Joel Osteen treasures. Here are three to amuse and charm you.

Just Be Inspired!
There are new levels to reach, new giants to conquer, new mountains to climb, new skills to learn. Don’t let it overwhelm you; let it inspire you.

Come to me, said Jesus, all ye who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you another mountain to climb, you pathetic tired person. Are you facing a heap of work? Like a huge stack of paper that someone dumped on your desk, or an inbox that is beyond hope, or a project you are not well equipped to head up, or a dining room table piled up with three feet of clean laundry to fold and an equal drift at the base that needs to be washed, or literally all the work that you just have to face because life is all about work? Don’t let it overwhelm you! Let it inspire you! Turn that frown upside down! If you are overwhelmed, just don’t be! If you’re poor, just get some money somewhere! If you’re sick, just make yourself well! If your knees are too weak to climb a mountain, just go up it anyway! It’s what God would want from you. He doesn’t like people who don’t have it together. Look how much he’s given you and you can’t even climb up that stupid little mountain. Come on! Just do it!

Don’t Fall Down!
God has designed you with exactly what you need. You may not be able to see it, but your beams are big enough, your walls are strong enough. You can bear whatever comes your way.

So, I guess you’re a house, and as such, you can personally repel all the rain and sorrow and bad stuff that inevitably bashes humanity into the ground. I mean, you may not feel like you’re a house, and may, in fact, prefer to live inside a house so as not to get soaking wet and stuff. You may also, I dunno, not be able to bear whatever comes your way, but just do it anyway. Don’t, even for a minute, admit that you’re not coping and don’t have what you need and ask others, and especially God, for help. Weakness is so unattractive. Just keep shouldering the horrors of life like the superhero you saw in that movie last weekend. You can do it! At least until you die. Then, I’m not sure what you’re going to do, but don’t worry about that now. Don’t be lame. Just be awesome!

Look At You!
You have the strength, the endurance, the fortitude, the tenacity you need so that no matter what comes against you, it will not be too much to bear.

Hahahahahahahaha.

No. Try this instead:

“Man who is born of a woman is few of days and full of trouble. He comes out like a flower and withers; he flees like a shadow and continues not. And do you open your eyes on such a one and bring me into judgment with you? Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? There is not one. Since his days are determined, and the number of his months is with you, and you have appointed his limits that he cannot pass, look away from him and leave him alone, that he may enjoy, like a hired hand, his day.

“For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease. Though its root grow old in the earth, and its stump die in the soil, yet at the scent of water it will bud and put out branches like a young plant. But a man dies and is laid low; man breathes his last, and where is he? As waters fail from a lake and a river wastes away and dries up, so a man lies down and rises not again; till the heavens are no more he will not awake or be roused out of his sleep.

Oh that you would hide me in Sheol, that you would conceal me until your wrath be past, that you would appoint me a set time, and remember me!

If a man dies, shall he live again? All the days of my service I would wait, till my renewal should come. You would call, and I would answer you; you would long for the work of your hands. For then you would number my steps; you would not keep watch over my sin; my transgression would be sealed up in a bag, and you would cover over my iniquity.

“But the mountain falls and crumbles away, and the rock is removed from its place; the waters wear away the stones; the torrents wash away the soil of the earth; so you destroy the hope of man. You prevail forever against him, and he passes; you change his countenance, and send him away. His sons come to honor, and he does not know it; they are brought low, and he perceives it not. He feels only the pain of his own body, and he mourns only for himself.” – Job 14

Have a great day!