Fashion Failures For Tuesday

A Spiritual Representation of the Soul of the Person Who Thought This was a Good Idea. 

Well, there’s a lot of crazy out there as usual, but nothing so absolutely disheartening as this article. Go on, click the link but know that you will experience a deep, whole body shudder. For those of you who lack courage, the horror begins this way:

Overalls are the kind of thing we strictly associate with spring- and summertime. They drip with day-at-the-park appeal, warranting photo shoots full of flowers and sun. What many of us don’t realize, though, while we’re fantasizing about all the idyllic Instagrams we’ll snap in our dungarees, is that overalls are actually incredibly warm and fall/winter-friendly. And believe it or not, long denim overalls are among the coziest around.

Actually, to quote Clueless, I associate overalls with farming—a noble and true profession which, one might not be faulted for noting, is nevertheless not known for its contributions to haut couture, which is fine, because it has no such aspirations. It would be like coming to my house, the house of the hobbits, looking for someone tall enough to be a runway model. We must all, as so many on twitter preach but don’t practice, “stay in our lanes.” So no, I don’t associate overalls with spring and summertime. I don’t associate with them at all, except for that very brief and unfortunate period in the 90s, but I was very young, and you should all forgive me.

And no, they don’t “drip with day at the park appeal” nor do they “warrant photo shoots full of flowers and sun.” I haven’t met a single person, Not One Single Person, who is busy fantasizing about putting on a pair of overalls and then memorializing the moment on instagram. Most of the people I see on my “insta”—I was rebuked by my child for adding the “gram” part, apparently just being there isn’t good enough, I must speak of it in the correct fashion—are super elegant and stay far away from the sorts of outfits that make them look like autumnal pumpkins. Although, truth be told, I’m not up on my feed. I haven’t been told in weeks and weeks that I’m “all caught up.” So it’s possible that I’m completely wrong, but even if you tell me that I am, I won’t change my mind, not just because I’m human and humans never change their minds when it is pointed out to them that they are wrong, but also because overalls are bad.

If you accidentally click on the Glamor.com link, as I did, you will see a lot of beautiful people wearing overalls which might make you think that I don’t know what I’m talking about, but again, as I said, all the those pictures do is prove that I’m right, because as soon as the camera went away, they all ran indoors, tall and agile as they are, and found something else to wear, because when you combine a thick turtleneck, overalls, a jacket, gloves, scarf, hat, and a capacious handbag, the one thing you absolutely have to give up is your questionable choice of a pumpkin-spiced latte, because you will not be able to get out of all those layers quickly enough to make it to the loo. It will take a half an hour of planning, and no one in this fast paced technological age has that kind of time.

The captions on some of the pictures of young people in overalls are absolutely priceless. I’ll just leave you with a few as I conclude with the abiding desire that the person who woke up in the middle of the night, sat up, and said, “This year, we’re bringing back overalls,” should have all other articles of clothing removed from his wardrobe and he himself be forced to wear nothing else. Too sexist? I’m sorry, it’s impossible for me to believe that this was the idea of a woman.

Anyway, whoever concocted these captions is an internet troll of epic proportions and I bow before a master.

-Turtlenecks and overalls make for a no-fail combination.
-A master class in leaning into your train conductor side without skewing too on-the-nose.
-Because of course animal print dungarees are on the menu.
-A standard denim overall that doesn’t veer into “train conductor costume” territory.
-The slightly cropped, straight-leg cut is as trendy as it is versatile. Throw these overalls over your favorite T-shirt—or your most work-appropriate blouse—and watch the magic unfold.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find my gray Binghamton trousers and gray sweater. Good day to you all.