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On Hold

On Hold April 24, 2011
I have not been posting to this blog as regularly as in the past.  Partly that is because I’m writing other things in other places.  But that is not the biggest reason.
A Silhouette of Sadness

JinKY Lin

Truth is, this has been a really difficult year.  And most of what I write about on this blog is the way my spiritual life and my daily life intersect.  I write about what is hard for me, what I am wrestling with.
Unfortunately, I can’t really do that this year.  Most of what I am wrestling with involves stories that are not just mine–in the sense that they are not mine to share.
One thing I learned early–the world is much less anonymous than we sometimes think it is.  If there is one person who should not see themselves discussed in public, you can count on their seeing any public discussion you put out there.  And I feel strongly that I can’t write what it would harm or embarrass other people to write.
It’s one thing to make myself vulnerable, another to make other people that way without their consent.
So here I am, actually struggling a lot this year with a kind of heaviness of heart and sometimes spirit, sometimes feeling overwhelmed and discouraged and at other times just dog-tired.  And I’m doing a lot of wrestling with feelings of failure, and what failure really means, and whether in fact thinking of life in terms like failure and success isn’t really a symptom of some problem I’d be better off without, and whether it is possible to be a failure in terms of results–even important results–and yet have been faithful.
At least mostly faithful.  At least most of the time.
And I could go on, but in the absence of detail, how on earth is this anything but a litany of abstractions?
I am trying not to feel like not writing here is another sort of failure (or not) to judge myself on (or not).  After all, the point is not regular publication, but “blogging in the spirit of worship.”
There are times I do not feel Spirit very close to me this year.  And there are times when I do, but I’m too tired to be encouraged anyway.
And other times when I am sure everything is going to be just fine–and when I remember that, in fact, it already is.
I’m not actually in despair, and I have good and loving support available to me.  But it’s still been a tough year…  It’s sort of like one of those days that you can get even in the middle of a glorious summer, when you’re socked in with mist and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of life anywhere but in the drone of mosquitoes.
This, too, is part of the journey.  I know it.  But it’s a part I’m not well able to share at the moment.
I’m not experiencing the dark night of the soul.  More like… being on hold, waiting for something to break through the muzak that I can write about for public consumption.
I’ll be back, when what my Spirit is wrestling with–or celebrating–is something I can share.
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