Can Someone Buy the Girl a Map?

Oh. My. goodness. Jessica Alba is in Oklahoma. Can you believe it? Should we all squeal like little girls now? Shouldn’t we all be feeling proud about the fact that such a big star deigned to come to our little…Oh wait, I don’t really care.

Or I didn’t.

Until Ms. Alba started defacing Oklahoma property. That’s right, she’s being investigated for vandalism because she’s just that cool, I guess.

Miss Jessica decided that our fair city wasn’t decorated enough, so she went all around town pasting up posters on public and private property. She’s trying to make Okies more environmentally conscious. Specifically, she wants us to be nicer to Great White Sharks.

Apparently people in Oklahoma are abusive to our native marine creatures. We need to be educated about all the ways we can be kinder to these majestic creatures of the sea. There is, of course, a problem with her theory. Have you looked at a map recently? There are no oceans in Oklahoma. There aren’t even any oceans close to Oklahoma. It is a 9 hour drive to the nearest beach.

I’m all in favor of raising awareness about the plight of endangered animals, but shouldn’t you at least try to make it a tiny bit relevant? There are people in this state who have never seen the ocean except on television. What the heck so they care about Great White Sharks? The only time they’ve seen one was in that movie, Jaws, and that son of a gun was scary, and it wasn’t even real.

I don’t think we should tell her. Just think how embarrassed she would be if we pointed out that there are no sharks here and that we don’t take kindly to strangers coming into our state and acting dumb and messing our stuff up. They may think that’s cool in California, but here we just think it’s criminal behavior. Silly us.

I’ll bet she can’t wait until her movie wraps and she can go back to “civilization” where being in favor of a cause is enough to make her a good person and win her the accolades of her adoring fans, instead of being stuck in “fly-over country” where we look at her as if she needs a short vacation in a padded room.

I’m not sure what they’re spending their educational budget on in California, but it sure isn’t Biology or Geography.

Hey, Jessica, you’re too late. There are no sharks in Oklahoma. It must be the Global Warming.