Umm…Yeah. I Just Don’t Want To

**Warning–Pregnancy makes me mean. Late pregnancy makes me honest.**

I’m going to say it out loud. What you all think, but are too nice to say to people. Deep breath…

No. I don’t want to talk to your four year old on the phone. When I call to discuss something of a serious nature, I don’t find it charming or particularly cute that your little monster is screaming at the top of his lungs to talk to his “Auntie”. (Am I even related to this kid? I demand a recount!) My idea of an enjoyable conversation does not involve listening to someone who doesn’t speak English well enough to be understood on the phone tell me about pooping in the potty.

Guess what, kiddo? Everybody poops, and most people don’t want to discuss it. To quote that cute boy from high school, “I don’t like you that way.”

I don’t care that my spending “just 30 seconds” on the phone with him will make your life easier. I really don’t. The truth is that if I wanted to talk to a 4 year old then I would have called a 4 year old. I didn’t. Interpret that for yourself.

If you can’t talk because your child is a monstrous beast and you can’t control him for the 10 minutes I needed to discuss that important thing with you, that’s not my problem. I think that’s why God invented email. Be grown-up enough to admit that you can’t hear what I’m saying over your little treasure’s dulcet tones and request that I call back (tell me when nap time is) or ask me just to email it to you.

Yes, this makes it lonely for you, but that’s not my problem. I’m tired of being nice to the children of people who aren’t considerate enough to tell junior to shut up. That’s just the way I feel about it. No apologies. Buy duct tape for his mouth, go into the other room, or call me back when he’s sleeping; because I don’t take that from my children, so I’m certainly not taking it from yours.