Why Didn’t They Tell Me Before Now?

***This post is shallow and frivolous and a bit vain. If you’re looking for thought provoking be warned that my brain has not yet made it back from vacation.****

 I’m not a fan of my body.  I’ve said this before (and got flamed a bit for it) and it still holds true.  I’ve been pregnant 8 times in 15 years and my belly is crinkly, saggy and just seems to have a good bit of extra, floppy skin.  It gives me the alluring silhouette of a barrel, and who wouldn’t want to look like a barrel?  My clothes don’t fit right…ever.  I have been known to stand sideways in front of the mirror and imagine what it would look like it I just got all the bunchy parts lopped off.  It would look amazing. 

I know we’re not supposed to be shallow and vain and that I probably just need to be grateful that I can have all these children.  I’m sure that my secret wish for plastic surgery is just one more sign of spiritual deficiency.  So don’t lecture me.  I already know that I shouldn’t worry about it.  blah, blah, blah

I want to look and feel pretty in my clothes.  Is that too much to ask?

I would give this up as impossible except that I know big-family mamas who have hour-glass figures.  I know that they don’t live in the gym.  (BTW, working out firms muscle but does nothing for skin flop.)  I casually mentioned to one of them the other day that I was envious of her flat stomach. The woman has had NINE children and it’s flat as a teenager’s. She turned her back on the room and raised the hem of her shirt.

SHE WAS WEARING A GIRDLE!!!!!!!!!!  She called over a few more moms of big families and guess what?  THEY WERE ALL WEARING GIRDLES!!!!!!  They were a bit incredulous that I wasn’t.  What was I thinking going around with skin flop getting in the way of my clothes?  Why hadn’t they told me?

I thought “foundation garments were an old lady thing.  I thought they were done away with when my mom’s generation burned their bras.  Those old ex-hippie ladies can go around bagging and sagging but I’m more interested in defying the forces of gravity.

I went right out and bought some more supportive underthings and I look a little better in my clothes, thank you very much.  I look pretty much the same out of my clothes but the Computer Guy doesn’t seem to have too many complaints there.

There you have it……girdles….that’s the big secret of their fabulosity….and now it’s mine….except I’ve told you so it’s not much of a secret any more….that’s okay…now we can all look amazing together.

You’re welcome.