I Miss My Brain

Ever since we announced this pregnancy, I’ve received a lot of sympathy over morning sickness, weird cravings, and extreme fatigue.  I just try to smile and accept their commiserations, but they don’t know the worst part of being pregnant.  I miss my brain.  (Pregnancy isn’t all bad.  Kicking babies are glorious.  The first trimester, however, is my own personal hell.)

For six glorious weeks, I was on my ADHD medication.  I felt and thought like a new woman. For six weeks I never lost my keys or misplaced my purse.  I could explain things and tell stories without having to double back and explain things I missed the first time through.  I came up with words without having to search my memory for them.  I put names with faces effortlessly.  I successfully fought off impulse purchases (because impulsiveness is a part of ADHD.) I lived and thought like a normal person.

Then came the morning where I saw that positive pregnancy result and I had to put the medicine aside for the health and well-being of #7.  It’s been 4 weeks and I miss it terribly.

This morning I lost 20 minutes searching for keys.  I got to the grocery store only to realize that my coupon book was at home on the kitchen counter.  (Where I put it so that I wouldn’t forget it.)  I didn’t get 3 things on my list, but managed to bring home 4 things that weren’t on it.

For six weeks out of my life, I knew what my plans were for the whole day without having to check the calendar once.  I just knew what needed to be done and when.  I KNEW IT!!!  Today, I’ve looked at the calendar at least 8 times and am terrified that I will forget that my eldest is going to her best friend’s house or that the kids’ Opa is coming over this afternoon.  I have to check it because I keep forgetting what’s on it and second guessing the time.  I went out with a friend last week and started to tell her a story, when I had to abruptly stop because I couldn’t find the word I needed and wasn’t far enough into the story for her to help me.

This used to be normal for me.  It was so normal that I didn’t even know it was there.  My life just worked somehow in a whirl of confusion.  Except it never worked all that well.  Now it is confusing and overwhelming and I just want my brain back. 

I’m so glad to be having a #7, but the thought of seven more months of this plus a year of nursing before I can think again…..I don’t even want to think about it…luckily for me I’ll be on to something new in a few moments.  :0)

People have been so interested to know what it is to be on ADHD medication.  It was clarity…..and now you also know what it’s like to have to give it up.