Why You Should Never Listen to Me

People tell me all the time “You’re so smart, I love to talk to you.” (I’m not making that up.  They tell me that. Really.) They come to me for advice about home schooling, parenting, life, or matters of faith.  I’m really not sure why. Here are all the reasons lately why those same people have told me I’m wrong and going to Hell.  They’re also the reasons that if you’re coming here for wisdom, you probably should go somewhere else. (All this stuff has been said to me at least once as to why I’m not as great as I think I am.  I already knew I wasn’t…..which is part of why I’m so great!)

• I’m in favor of traditional marriage and am therefore a big ol’ bigot and religious zealot.  Doesn’t matter my reasoning….seriously……….h.a.t.e.r.
• I have gay friends and (gasp!) let them around my children. I even trust them around my children. I happen to think they’re some of the nicest people I know. I really like them.  They’re great people. I wish we could hang out more often.
• I’m a crazy conservative Catholic who wears a mantilla to Mass and is obviously trying to drag us back into the Dark Ages. (Bring on the Inquisition!)
• I wear pants.  I’m a girl.  It can’t be allowed.  No excuses. It allows men to see the shape of my…..and lead them to thoughts…and the seams on jeans……have you noticed the pocket placement? Oh my. Scandalous! (Oh those lustfully lustful thoughts of me….in jeans…or shorts…..ummmmm….yeah.)
• I homeschool my children, keeping them completely sheltered from the outside world.  Poor little un-socialized things. However will they function in the outside world?  I’m setting them up for social awkwardness and a life of never fitting in. (Because I knew this kid once, well..not well…but I knew him…and he was homeschooled…..he was totally awkward.  Not as much as the kid with the glasses in the high school band who played the tuba? But the homeschool kid was definitely weird.)
• I sent my son to a traditional school for a year, allowing him to be corrupted and tainted by “The World”. Never mind learning disabilities, specialized help, etc.  None of that matters!  He should be happy to be stupid at home! (They’re going to teach him about sex, drugs, and rock and roll!  Oh, horrors!  The corruption!)
• We pray together as a family, further brainwashing my children and indoctrinating them into our belief system.  The fact that they ask for a Family Rosary time is just proof of how far gone our family really is.  (Little Papist freaks!)
• We don’t have time for Daily Mass. I forget the Angelus every stinking day. I haven’t been to Adoration in….a really long time.  Definitely going to Hell. (I’m pretty sure I have reserved seating just across from the lake of burning sulfur.)
• I raise my children on the idea of Catholic guilt.  Don’t want to go to Mass?  I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t want to be nailed to a Cross either. If He could do that for you, you can go to Mass.  (What? A little guilt is good for them.  It puts hair on the chest.)
• I haven’t dragged them to Confession in a shockingly long time.  Really.  Shockingly. (I could defend myself by citing awkward times, but I’d be lying…and then I’d have to go to Confession….which I don’t go to often enough….vicious cycle.)
• I voted for Ron Paul in the 2008 primaries. (Best man for the job, hands down.)
• I didn’t vote for Ron Paul this time. (That dude is crazy!)
• I think that chastity is a perfectly reasonable thing to expect of teenagers.  I teach them morals.  There.  I said it out loud.  I believe in innocence and purity.  I believe those to be good things. Always.  (Shelter and protect them.  Lock them in the basement.  It’s for their own good.  Really)
• I talk about sex (and write about it) a lot.  Seriously.  I do.  I love my husband.  I still find him incredibly hot.  It’s one of my favorite things.  (Which, I’ve been told, is immoderate and vulgar to say, but whatev.) Which leads us to…
• I have seven children. 7.  S.E.V.E.N.  It’s a lot. Even I think so. I’m destroying the environment.  It’s irresponsible of me.  It’s a vagina not a clown car.  (It really isn’t a clown car, you know.)
• I’ve used contraception in the past. (Gasp!) I totally understand people who do.  I get the whole “I’m done” mentality.  I truly do. There are days when I fantasize about getting a tubal.  (Let them get going and the noise levels swell…..and I start muttering “cut. burn. tie.”
• I use the word “y’all” in conversation a lot.  I have a noticeable drawl, and I speak at a speed guaranteed to drive a New England yankee batty.
• I use words like “antidisetablishmentarianism” in everyday speech.  Darn that Webster’s dictionary I got for a gift when I was 10.  (Which seemed lame at the time, but I’m wowing ’em with word power today!)

So, you see?  Completely unreliable.  Not a paragon of anything.  You should never come to me for advice about anything. Ever.

Unless you want to know about politics, or religion, all things Texas, yeah…okay…homeschooling, loving your man, cooking, baking…..never ask me about housekeeping ’cause I stink at it…….but yeah friendship, prayer, book suggestions, which shoes to wear, jewelry, etiquette (because the same person who gave me the dictionary at 10 gave me Emily Post at 16), fun, laughter, weird baby names, tiny toad blood baths, menu planning, blogging, ironing, salsa music,  sippy cups, playgroups, mean girls, nice girls, picking friends……………..