The Joy and the Heartbreak

Today our eldest son went on a field trip with his Confirmation class to the seminary in our diocese. He’s been talking about the priesthood since he was five years old, and has been looking forward to this trip since he first heard about it back in August.

When I picked him up this evening he was glowing. He chattered all the way home about the school itself and the students he had met on his tour. He had asked all the important questions like how he would know that he had a vocation, and when should he approach the diocesan vocations director to discuss it. He asked the other kind to and discovered that they have a game room, a swimming pool, and that the food is pretty good.

And he glowed. He came home more certain than ever that is was something he should be praying about. 

The Catholic mom in me was elated. I couldn’t imagine anything greater than giving one of my children over to God. My husband was silent on the subject as he has been since the subject first came up almost eight years ago. He can’t imagine our son wanting a life without a family. He was raised Protestant, and the idea of a celibate priesthood is still foreign to him after all these years of being Catholic. This is his eldest son, and this isn’t the picture he had in his mind for him. He struggles with it all, and so he remains silent and waits on God’s will.

There was a huge part of me that didn’t understand.  A priest! What could be finer than that? If not this son, I have always thought, I have three more and God can take his pick. I got it intellectually, but the emotional part – the pain my husband felt at the idea – escaped me.

Until my son went upstairs to get ready for bed and my nine year old daughter curled up next to me and said “Mom, tell me about nuns. What is it like to live in the convent? What do you think my new name would be?” in a way that was more than idle curiosity…. 

and I pulled her into my embrace and cried.

I get it. The heartbreak and the joy of having a child pondering a vocation. The convent is as foreign to me as the priesthood is to my husband…and the unknown is frightening. 

Which leaves us wondering what we do now… How do we let go of our plans of weddings and grandbabies with our children, and just be open to the maybes that God is showing to them? How do we help them to walk down paths where we’ve never ventured? How do we let them wander towards whatever will be without encouraging or discouraging them with our own personal prejudices? How do we let go of the dreams that we have dreamed for them and learn to be open to the things God has in store for us all? Whether that be clericals or business suits, wedding dresses or habits…