Time Travelling Apologist

TIME TRAVELLING APOLOGIST

Episode I

VOICEOVER with theme music: Welcome to the Apologist News Hour, your home for reporting that is 100% biblical. With your host Ian Luegner.

HOST: Hello everyone and God bless you. Today we welcome a very special guest, Prof. Kenneth Jambon, who has been working on an incredible scientific project that seeks to provide definitive scientific evidence to confirm the details of the Bible and thus of your faith. Prof. Jambon, welcome to the show.

JAMBON: It is a pleasure to be here. Thank you for this chance to share my work with the faithful and to help build up their faith.

HOST: So tell the audience, what is it that you’ve been working on?

JAMBON: I have – I know it will be hard to believe, but you’ll see the proof in just a few moments – I have developed a working time machine.

HOST: That’s truly remarkable. As a Bible-believing Christian, what motivated you to do this research?

JAMBON: Well of course my real aim is not science for its own sake but apologetics.

HOST: Of course. For our audience, what is the relevance of time travel research to apologetics.

JAMBON: Eventually I want to capture the resurrection on video, but that will take some careful planning and equipment. So I thought I’d start with something just a bit smaller. Those wicked liberal scholars – you know, the kind one finds at places like Theology Beer Camp – are always talking about differences and even contradictions between the Gospels. You and I both know they’re wrong, but by golly, sometimes figuring out how the Gospels are supposed to fit together is a real head stumper even when you know for sure ahead of time that they’ve got to. So I decided to go back and get the authors of the four Gospels, and get them to explain it to us themselves.

HOST (shocked): Wait, did you say you got them? I assumed you went back to talk to them in the past.

JAMBON: I thought it would make more sense to bring them here, give you a chance to hear them in their own words. Besides, portable automatic translation isn’t as good as what is available in a studio like yours, and so bringing them here also gives us a chance to talk to them in a way that I couldn’t when I kidnapp…um, I mean, when I extended the invitation to them. Would you like to meet them? I’ve brought them with me.

HOST (to camera): Well, this is going to be a real treat. Even I wasn’t expecting this. [To show crew offstage] Okay, please bring out our first guest. We’ll begin at the beginning and so heeeeeeers Matthew!

Matthew enters, blocking glare of spotlights, looking around puzzled. Eventually takes a seat.

HOST: Matthew – is it okay if I call you Matt? Welcome to the show.

MATTHEW: The show?

HOST: Yes, millions of people around the world are certainly watching.

MATTHEW: How is that possible?

HOST: I’m afraid it would take too long to explain. Do you know why you’ve been brought here?

MATTHEW: Yes, that much is obvious. You are minions of the evil one interfering with the work of the kingdom of God.

HOST: No no, you’re here precisely because we are Christians, like you.

MATTHEW: What’s a “Christian”?

HOST [puzzled]: Is the translation software not working properly? Chriiiiis-tyuuuuuhn.

MATTHEW STARES

HOST: A follower of Jesus!

MATTHEW RELAXES

HOST: We brought you here because hold you in the highest esteem. We continue to read and study the Gospel that you wrote today, after two thousand years.

MATTHEW: Two thousand years? But Jesus said that our generation would not pass away until we saw the son of man coming in his kingdom. This must be a diabolical deception. There can’t be ongoing history two thousand years later!

JAMBON: I actually wanted to ask you about that…

HOST: We can come back to that. First things first. What was it like being the first person to write a Gospel?

MATTHEW: The first person to write a Gospel? Oh, that’s who you’re looking for? Yeah, you’re gonna want to talk to Mark.

HOST looks at JAMBON, who asks: Mark?

MATTHEW: Yes, he wrote the first Gospel. I used what he wrote.

HOST, turning to look offstage as he speaks: Well, we had better bring on Mark.

MARK enters and takes a seat next to Matthew, pulls the chair as far away from him as he can, and sits down with his arms crossed looking angrily at Mathew.

HOST: Welcome, Marcus – is it okay if I call you Mark? So glad you can be here with us today.

MARK (still glowering at Matthew): I can’t believe what you did to my book.

MATTHEW: Hey buddy, it’s not my fault you never bothered to get yourself and editor and have it polished and published properly!

HOST and JAMBON exchange nervous glances

HOST: Your books are both sacred scriptures and have been printed in millions of copies in countless languages.

MARK: “Printed”?

JAMBON picks up a Bible and hands it to Mark: Here, let me show you.

MARK flips through the pages, and looks at it.

HOST, speaking to the camera: Viewers at home, you’re witnessing a historic event here, the first time the author of one of the Gospels has had a chance to see a printed Bible.

JAMBON to MARK: Well, what do you think?

MARK pushes it back at him angrily: So, not only did you print Matthew’s derivative work first after he stole so much from me, but you guys lost the ending to my book as well? I’m outta here.

MARK storms off.

MATTHEW stands up and says to HOST and JAMBON: He gets like this. I’ll go after him.

MATTHEW begins to leave hurriedly, then stops and looks back.

MATTHEW: If I get him to come back, better to steer clear of the topic of written Gospels. Did you know Mark is a fantastic chef? Ask him to make you a Markan sandwich, with his secret sauce. [chef’s kiss, then MATTHEW leaves.]

HOST: Well, that was certainly awkward. Dr. Jambon, I thought you brought these men here to demonstrate how what they wrote agrees. What we’ve seen so far suggests that even the authors themselves may not have agreed. What do you say to that?

JAMBON: Well, clearly something must be amiss in the timeline. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, but I’ll figure it out. In the meantime, maybe talking to Luke and John will help clarify things.

HOST looks offstage: Could you please bring Luke out?

LUKE enters and takes a seat.

HOST: Luke, welcome to the show.

LUKE: Honored to be here, most excellent Mr. Jambon.

HOST: Let me get right to the point. Our viewers will want confirmation from you, the author, that the way your second volume ends is proof that you wrote your books earlier than those liberal scholars say. So can you please confirm for our audience that you wrote what you did while Paul was still alive?

LUKE (after starting incredulously at host for a bit, proceeds to say with a hint of sarcasm): Of course. That’s how you can tell that I wrote my first volume while the apostles were standing on the Mount of Olives staring up at the sky.

HOST: Wow, really?

LUKE: No, what are you an idiot? Each volume ends on a cliffhanger because that was how I hoped to get Theophilus to fund another volume. Unfortunately he didn’t want to sponsor a third season and so my book was cancelled before it could become a trilogy.

HOST: How did you cope with that?

LUKE: God is good. The Lord came to me in a dream and gave me a glimpse of the future that provided me with so much comfort.

HOST: So God showed you how much your two volumes would be appreciated without needing a third?

LUKE (again looking flummoxed and bewildered): No, God showed me what happened to Firefly. It put my own non-renewal in perspective.

HOST looks at JAMBON: Firefly? I don’t understand…

JAMBON (sadly): No, he’s right, that really was a tragedy. I’m still not over it.

HOST: So Luke, since you weren’t an eyewitness, that shows that the Gospels are not just about reporting history. You could do it because you were, like all the others Gospel authors, divinely inspired. So please tell us, what did it feel like to write under the control of the Holy Spirit?

LUKE: Well, I didn’t feel anything different. But I knew that Gospel authors were divinely inspired because of the story Mark kept telling everyone.

HOST: What story was that?

LUKE: He kept saying he had a dream in which he was whisked away into the future and shown how much of an impact Gospels would make, and that he was shown a collection with three others. I obviously wanted to be one of them and so I got in on the ground floor of the Gospel business, before it was too late.

HOST to one of his assistants after a nervous chuckle: Well…we had better bring on John.

JAMBON quickly leans over and puts his hand on HOST’s arm: No, wait! Not at the same time!

JOHN walks on. He and Luke see each other and run towards each other. HOST seems eager, expecting them to embrace. Instead the fists start flying and they wrestle.

LUKE shouts: Jesus was a man full of the Spirit!

JOHN shouts back: Jesus was the Word made flesh!

They shout over each other. Members of the show crew pull them apart and seat them on opposite sides of the host.

HOST: Well, I’m sorry to see that there is such strife and animosity between you, but hopefully when you hear that both of your books are bestsellers side by side in the holy Bible, you’ll feel better.

JOHN and LUKE both cross their arms and glare briefly at each other before turning their chairs to angle them away from each other, much as Mark had done with Matthew.

HOST chuckles nervously then addresses JOHN: So…John. So many things to ask you, but let me start with a compliment. Incredible job with John 3:16. You’ll be proud to know that people hold that verse up at ball games to this very day.

JOHN: 3:16? Verse?

HOST [pointing to Bible]: Do you see these numbers?

JOHN: Yes.

HOST: Those were added to make it easier to refer to specific things that you and the others wrote.

JOHN: Don’t you worry that if you do that, people will start taking individual phrases out of context?

HOST and JAMBON look at each other, then the latter says: No, of course we would never do that.

HOST: John, can you please tell us how to harmonize your Gospel with the others? Tradition says that you wrote after Matthew, Mark and Luke. Why did you decided to add another Gospel? Did you write to supplement the others?

JOHN (angrily): I wrote to replace them! These clowns didn’t know Jesus the way I did. Some of them [he glares at Luke over his shoulder] never even met him.

HOST (his anxiety growing): Ehrm, okay, yes, you leaned on Jesus’ breast and were the only one who followed him to the crucifixion.

JOHN (now looking nervous himself): Oh, well, you see…

HOST: Yes, what is it, we’re all eager to hear from the author of this Gospel that is probably the most popular and widely circulated.

JOHN (muttering almost inaudibly): That was added by my editor.

JAMBON leans in: Sorry, what was that, I couldn’t make out what you said.

JOHN shrugs: That was added by my editor. She said that if my notes were published with my source not named, but instead referred to as the disciple that Jesus loved, the book would circulate better. She took some liberties…

JAMBON: Wait, are you saying that you didn’t write the whole Gospel yourself, that you’re not the “disciple whom Jesus loved,” and even insinuating…that not everything in its pages is true?!

JOHN: Of course not everything in it is true. It’s not as bad as some of those other Gospels, but still…

JAMBON jumps up and begins to pull at JOHN’s face. HOST leaps to his feet and asks him: What on earth are you doing?!

JAMBON (sheepishly, returning to his seat): I thought maybe this would have a Scooby Doo ending.

JOHN looks shocked and rubs his face.

JAMBON (carrying on as though nothing happened): So surely there must have been a real “disciple whom Jesus loved.” If it wasn’t you, then who was it?

JOHN: Sorry, I swore I wouldn’t say. [LUKE mimes to audience while pointing at himself “I know!”]

JAMBON: Well, what can you tell us about them without divulging their name?

JOHN: They certainly were quite a character. Humble in every respect except one. I said, “Let me name the Gospel after you,” and they said no. I said, “Let me depict you in the Gospel I write as the ideal model of discipleship” and they said no to that as well. But then they did have one request and they were quite adamant about it. Always thought it was a bit strange.

JAMBON: What was it? To present Jesus as God incarnate? Include the I am sayings?

JOHN: No, nothing like that.

JAMBON: Well what then?

JOHN: My source said that they would only provide me with the information they had and serve as my source if… [hesitates]

JAMBON: Yes?

JOHN: They would only be my source if I depicted them outrunning Peter in a foot race.

JAMBON stares blankly at JOHN for a few seconds, then says: Anyway…you say that there were many other things that could have been written that you didn’t include. What’s your favorite saying of Jesus that you didn’t include in your Gospel?

JOHN: It’s a tough choice, but one I always regret not including is “Love your brother like your life, protect him like the apple of your eye.”

JAMBON: Interesting, never heard that one, but it sure sounds like the sort of thing Jesus would say.

HOST: One more thing, since we’re getting close to the end of our time. If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you about the Book of Revelation.

JOHN: The what?

HOST: The last book of the Bible.

JOHN: The what?

JAMBON: He wasn’t here when we showed that to Mark.

JOHN’s eyes narrow: Wait…Did you say Mark is here?

HOST: Yes, yes, never mind that. Take a look at this book. You wrote it, and in recent years there have been quite a lot of people departing from the pure teaching of dispensationalism that you express in it. I wonder if you have advice on how to get the church back on track?

JOHN flips through Revelation, his eyes widening: Woah, this is some wild…uh, stuff. Who did you say wrote this, and what was he smoking?

JAMBON: You wrote it. I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but it says right here, the Apocalypse of John.

JOHN stares at JAMBON like he’s an idiot: Wait, you thought there was only one guy named John? If you’re not smart enough to understand that, how did you ever manage to build a time machine?

JAMBON puts his face in his hands.

HOST picks up Bible: Okay, look, what I want to know is why you made this book so confusing. Why didn’t you just give us a chart like this one that I had in my Bible growing up? [HOST unfolds chart which covers desk and reaches floor.]

JOHN looks at the “end times” chart, then at JAMBON and the HOST: Wait, what is this weird skubalon? I thought you said you were Christians.

HOST to JOHN and LUKE: Would the two of you excuse us?

Crewmembers escort them off separately.

HOST: Well, that certainly didn’t go as I expected, Professor Jambon.

JAMBON: Indeed.

HOST: This is the risk of live TV. And so I have to ask, for the benefit of those watching who looked to you to confirm their faith and may be finding it shaken by what the Gospel authors said: What’s next? Where do you go from here?

JAMBON (rubbing his hands together with the look of a mad scientist): There’s only one thing to do. This must be what God intended all along. God didn’t show me how to invent a time machine to bring the Gospel authors here to confirm our faith. God must mean for me to use my time machine to send people back in time who will become the real authors of the Gospels, real men of God to replace these liberals who are clearly not up to the task, not worthy of it. Truly the ways of God are beyond our comprehension!

HOST: But surely you don’t mean…?

JAMBON (leaps to his feet): Yes! This is what we will do! We will keep these folks here. Then I will travel back with four conservative apologists. They can be disguised to take their places. I am sure you see that this must be what God intended all along. That’s why the Bible is so puzzling! It was to inspire me, the great Professor Jambon, to set matters right. With the help of my time machine, Christian fundamentalists everywhere will soon have the Bible we deserve, the one we’ve always wanted!

HOST [incredulous]: If you’re going to change history, why not make there be only one Gospel?

JAMBON [pausing, his sinister grin widening]: Yes. Yes! One Gospel to rule them all, one Gospel to find all the heretics and bring them in and bind them to my right way of thinking!

NARRATOR: Will the evil Professor Jambon get away with his dastardly scheme? Can nerdy heroes from Theology Beer Camp make their own time machine and stop him before it’s too late? Tune in next time for the exciting continuation of TIME TRAVELLING APOLOGIST!

Outro music

[This is a skit that I wrote for Theology Beer Camp for last year that ended up not being included. I thought I should share it in case anyone enjoys reading it, and perhaps someone might even want to perform it somewhere. If you do, let me know how it goes and what the reception of it is! For a story of mine involving time travel, read “Certainty” in Theology and Science Fiction or online in Esoterica magazine.]