“Help, Mom! There Are Calvinists under My Bed!” Some Ideas for a New Book

“Help, Mom! There Are Calvinists under My Bed!” Some Ideas for a New Book June 6, 2013

Help, Mom! There Are Calvinists under My Bed! Some Ideas for a New Book

Have you seen the new book published by Cross Books (apparently a division of LifeWay) entitled Help, Mom! There Are Arminians under My Bed!? I haven’t read it; I’ve just seen the “cover.” (I put cover in scare quotes because it is apparently only available in e-form. Can you really call a digital image a “cover?”)

So here are some of my suggestions of what a book entitled Help, Mom! There are Calvinists under My Bed! might include:

Mom (if she’s also a Calvinist) to frightened son: “Don’t worry honey, they can’t hurt you. Whatever they do to you is for the glory of God and therefore for your own good. Take it like a man, uh, I mean, like a true believer.”

Or,

Mom to frightened son: “Honey, just get down Against Calvinism and read it for a while; that will frighten them away. If it doesn’t, just throw it under the bed at them and they’ll disappear.”

Or,

Mom to frightened son: “Son, just quote John 3:16 repeatedly. At first they’ll mutter something about ‘world’ meaning ‘the elect,’ but eventually they’ll fade away.”

Or,

Mom to frightened son: “Sweetheart, whatever you do, don’t argue with them. Using reason on them just makes them more mysterious.”

Or,

Mom to frightened son: “Dear, here’s John Piper’s latest book. It was just published and I don’t think they have copies yet. Throw it out the window and they’ll leave your room and jump after it. Then close your window.”

Or,

Mom to frightened son: “Don’t be afraid son, they’re not monsters. They’re just confused souls who’ve lost their way. Just pray for them.”

Or,

Mom to frightened son: “I know, honey. Here are some tulips for your room. They like the smell of these and they’ll think you’re one of them if you keep these in your room. Then they’ll go bother someone else.”

Or,

Mom (if she’s a Southerner) to frightened son: “Sweetie pie, bless their little ol’ hearts, they mean well. Just lie there and listen to them. Maybe you’ll learn something from them. But be sure to test everything they say by Bible.”

Or,

Mom to frightened son: “Here, I’ll sit beside your bed and we’ll sing this song and hopefully it will either calm their troubled breasts or drive them away. Let’s sing ‘The Love of God’.”

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