Over the years, I have spoken to countless men who struggle with regrets about their performance as fathers. Indeed, a common aphorism of today is “No regrets!” but any truly mature and thoughtful person should be reflective about their past. So, the question is how should one handle regrets. Well, my friend Chris Brown, President of National Fatherhood Initiative wrote a fantastic post on this topic and I am delighted to share it with you, Trust me, you won’t regret reading it!
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In The Power of Regret, author Dan Pink recounts stories of famous and not-so-famous people who have promoted a two-word power phrase that’s lauded in our culture: No Regrets. These folks have tattooed it on their bodies, titled hit songs by it, and used it in advertising for everything from luxury cars to candy bars to insurance.
Many people seek to live a life of no regret. Sounds pretty good, huh? Not so fast, as Pink points out. In trying to eliminate regret—which is near impossible to do unless you care about no one but you—we ignore an “indispensable emotion” that has “strengths to (help us) make better decisions, perform better at work and school, and bring greater meaning to (our) lives.”
As I dove deeper into the pages of this immensely well-researched, practical book, I saw so many ways to apply Pink’s insights about ways we can leverage regret to help dads. (Are you surprised that I think of that kind of thing when I read? Perish the thought!) That’s because so many dads carry the heavy weight of regret about not being the best dad they could have been. Wouldn’t it be great if we could turn that regret into an opportunity for change?
Making It Personal
While this medium doesn’t afford a deep dive into all of the ways to apply the power of regret in your work with dads, I’ll share a quick win that will help you turn the aforementioned regret into an opportunity for change. But before I do that, it’ll help you use that win more effectively by first touching on your own experience.
Before you continue reading this email, take a moment to think about an important goal you didn’t accomplish. Write it down and a thought or two about missing it.
Did you wonder how things could have been better or worse in relation to missing the goal? If you didn’t, write down either how things could have been worse than missing the goal or how you could have done better in reaching the goal. Choose one or the other, not both.
The research of Pink and others highlights two “counterfactuals” in the way people think about not reaching a goal: “At Leasts” and “If Onlys.” People who use At Leasts feel better about not reaching a goal, while those who use If Onlys feel worse. (This is similar to “glass is half-full or half-empty” thinking.) If you chose to write about how things could have been worse, you’re probably an “At Least-er.” If you chose how you could have done better, you’re probably an “If Only-er.”
Using that knowledge (and a couple of made-up words), look at the goal and your thoughts again and create a sentence starting with “At least” and another with “If only.” (Perhaps you used one of them.) Look at the sentences and decide which one frames missing the goal in a positive light. Which one makes you feel more comfortable and consoled?
A Quick-Win Activity
Think about the dads you work with. Do most of those who regret not being the best dad they could have been use At Leasts or If Onlys? Hopefully, you said If Onlys. That’s because If Onlys are the ultimate regret. Because If Onlys make us uncomfortable and even distressed, they have more power than At Leasts and push us to do better.
To leverage that power, take dads through the following activity called, “The Power of If Only.” You can do this simple, quick activity with a group of dads or with a dad one-on-one. For dads who have limited literacy skills, modify the activity using the content in parentheses. Follow the procedures below in order:
- Tell the dads to write down (or share out loud) a regret they have related to their fathering. It could be a regret about the relationship with their children, for example, or a relationship that impacts their fathering, such as with the mother or main caretaker.
- Tell the dads to complete in writing (or share out loud) the following sentence: “If only I didn’t/hadn’t/had_____, I’d have_____.” The dads can choose from the three options, didn’t/hadn’t/had.
- Ask for volunteers to share out loud their regret, their If Only sentence, and how they feel about that sentence.
- Tell the dads to write down (or share out loud) how they will use this regret for healing and positive change. If it’s a regret they can’t change or repair (a “closed door” regret), tell them to focus on how they will let go of that regret and forgive themselves. If it’s a regret they can change or repair (an “open door” regret), tell them to identify how they will change or repair it, such as what they will do the next time they engage in a relationship they have regret about.
- Ask for volunteers to share how they will use their regret for healing and positive change.
It’s likely you’ll have to experiment with and modify this activity as you learn how to use it effectively. But try it a few times as written before you modify it. Don’t be shy about making it work for you and the dads you serve!
I encourage you to read The Power of Regret. I guarantee it’ll spark ideas for other activities that will help dads turn regrets into opportunities for change!
By Chris Brown, President of National Fatherhood Initiative. Used with permission.
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