6 (-2) Reasons to NOT Send Your Son to College

<Editor’s note: the original post had six reasons but then two of them seemed to be true so it was reduced down to four.>

Most students in college would be much happier if they could buy their credentials at K-Mart and then train on the job and get started. I once polled a class of young men, asking them if they would rather let me hit them with a baseball bat and get an A or try to earn one the old fashioned way, and they all preferred the sporting method. Everyone knows that beating people senseless with baseball bats, while it may not be a mortal sin, is at least a mortal combat sin. So why flirt with gaming disaster?

First let me clear some misconceptions:

• Men needs skillz to pay billz, not fancy pants education, which is why college is important. I am not trying to say that college should be about the life of the mind or learning a valuable craft or even about having some time to discern what to do next. I am not that stupid or naive. Everyone knows that college is another mindless schooling ritual, with the added advantage of ragingly redundant parties on weekends, and a great way to get into serious debt for browsing Facebook for hours while a complete stranger tells you stuff your buddy has in a file cabinet.
• God calls men to use their talents. This is true. But men have been using their talents, especially their talents at preventing women from having any talents, for a really long time. Time to relax and do something more productive.
• You’re just trolling for hits. Well, maybe, but that is a good alternative for a man. The internet was made by God for men to troll around on, a fine alternative to college.

Here are the reasons why NOT to send your son to college.

1. Most of their professors, if they are lucky enough to have any, will loathe them. Sure, they will talk about how much their undergraduate students enrich their lives and make the world a brighter place, but most of these professors secretly hate themselves, too. They are close relatives to high school and elementary school teachers who can only think about the weekend or the summertime or anytime free from the school and students they love to hate. Self-loathing is one thing. But being loathed by the self-loathing under guise of starry-eyed credentialism is another thing altogether. No man can possibly benefit from that.

2. They will be forced to do things they want to do. Men should not have to do what they want to do. In college they will have to stay up all night, drink themselves blind, play video games and order pizza, and party with people just as miserable, stupid, and confused as they are. By doing this and not failing out of school, they will be prepared to live a mediocre life of not getting fired, and even getting promoted, but also doing whatever they want when they can. These sorts of men are called zombies. Men should not aspire to become the undead.

3. They will end up working at Enterprise Rent-A-Car instead of becoming priests and martyrs. A little known fact about the vocations crisis is that entry level jobs with minimal upward mobility are attracting more men than seminaries. Maybe if we stopped forcing our sons into college, and let them pray and garden and memorize the Latin mass, we wouldn’t need to lure them with celibacy.

4. Even though men can, technically, live off women now, since patriarchy is dead, there is still a serious problem: the only place to pick up smart, career-driven chicks is in college. This is obvious since there are more women enrolling in college now, so some people think men can rest easy, go to college, and find a sugar mama. But this only works after wifey gets a giant life insurance policy, and then that creates a huge problem because it becomes an occasion of sin, tempting him to commit murder and insurance fraud. Although there is great honor in submitting to your husband, even unto death, there is no honor in swindling money from a corporation.

I’m not trying to offend anyone, but it is obvious that college is bad for your son because his professors will hate him, his will be forced to do whatever he wants, he might choose a cheap suit and tie over a Roman collar, and, if he marries well, he will be temped to kill for money.

This is why you should NOT send your son to college.