How Your Complaints Can Transform Your Man Into a Hero

Your dissatisfaction won’t transform your man, but the way you communicate it can. How can you express what you want without sounding like a nag and turn your husband into a hero in the process?

Communicate your complaint as a want or desire.

You can express your need without sounding like a nag. Have you ever been cooking dinner while your kids are climbing all over you or screaming and your husband is sitting in front of the TV or computer oblivious to the situation?

It’s irritating. So you say something like, “Excuse me. May I get some help?”

To your husband, that response sounds like a complaint or criticism.

When my kids were young and I’d express frustration, my husband would often say, “If you want help, all you have to do is ask.”

I’d think or (or worse) say, “I shouldn’t have to ask. You see what’s going on.”

In truth, he doesn’t. Don’t ask me how that works. But it’s the truth.

God intended for men and women to be different. He designed us that way. These differences are supposed to help us grow closer. Instead, they can act as irritants.

In their book Men Are Like Waffles–Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill and Pam Ferrel explain men are like waffles because they compartmentalize thoughts and issues and prefer to handle them one at a time. This is why he doesn’t notice the screaming kids when he’s watching TV. Women, on the other hand, are like spaghetti because they can process many things at once.

The Ferrels say men process life in boxes, one at a time. If your husband is working, he’s working. If he’s watching the game, he’s watching the game. Period.

In contrast, a woman is like spaghetti. Thoughts and issues are connected. You can talk on the phone and cook and check your email all at the same time. In other words, women are good at multi-talking.

So if he’s watching TV, most likely he won’t notice the kids climbing up your leg while you’re cooking dinner.

Understanding this difference helps us change the way we communicate with our husbands. We can learn how to communicate our wants and needs without sounding like we are complaining or criticizing.

Men aren’t complicated. I learned this the hard way. Communicate what you want or need. In many cases, he wants to be your champion. He wants to help you. He wants to make you happy.

I learned to revise the way I communicate my need.

Instead of saying, “Can I get some help here?” try saying “Honey, I’m overwhelmed. Would you mind helping me?” or  “Today was so hectic, but the thought of you coming home kept me going.”

This makes him feel like you need him (which you do). He feels like he’s solved a problem for you. He’s instantly elevated to hero status.

He wants to help you. He wants to be your knight.

So let him.

Instead of telling him what’s bugging you, tell him what you want.

Instead of “we never spend time together” try “I really miss you. I’d love to spend time together.”

Focus on what you want not the problem.

When you communicate what you want and he gives it to you (and you thank him), he feels like you’re please-able and he can make you happy.

When he believes you’re please-able, he’ll try harder to please you.