These 6 Mess-up Mindsets Can Wreck Your Marriage–Here’s How

Ever wonder why you don’t see the man you married much anymore?

When you do see him, he barely talks. It almost seems as if he’s trying to avoid you. Does it feel like you can’t connect like you used to?

Are you scratching your head wondering what happened to the guy you married?

I believe the man you married is still there.

I’m going to identify six mindsets that might explain why you don’t see him much anymore.

I call them messed up mindsets. They’re common.  Most of us have probably been marinating in them our whole lives without realizing it.

It’s easy to decide what surrounds us is “normal” because it’s all we know. That’s how mindsets work.

Thoughts are small but powerful

I’m going to identify common mindsets that are harmful to any marriage but especially a Christian one. These mindsets led to a disconnect in my marriage. It’s hard being a wife today, especially a Christian wife. The messages and pressure we get from popular culture are in direct conflict with the role of a godly wife.

Thoughts are small but powerful. They lead to actions. Mindset in marriage is important because it controls the way we think, feel, and respond.

What’s a mindset? It’s our default way of thinking.  It’s what we consider  “normal” whether it’s good or bad.

Identifying messed up mindsets is the first step to flipping the script in our heads so we look at our marriage and our husband differently.

Most of us don’t instinctively recognize unhealthy behaviors until they’re pointed out to us. I didn’t.

Changing a mindset is tough. You have to be intentional.

I realized my mindsets were a huge problem in my marriage. I felt superior to my husband believed I needed to be in control. I constantly challenged and saw him as an adversary. I assumed the worst.

Healthy mindsets bring out the best in both of us. When I developed healthy mindsets, I changed the way I saw my husband.

I began to view him as a friend and ally. I didn’t have to be right all the time. I didn’t have to be in charge. I didn’t have to change him. I wanted to encourage him and let him be my champion. I saw him as my equal.

As I developed a healthier mindset, I started giving him the benefit of the doubt. As a result, he became more attentive, affectionate and more thoughtful on his own. He started treating me like a princess. Not because I demanded it but because he wanted to. I discovered he was genuinely interested in my happiness.

Your mindset is like the operating system for your marriage

Your mindset is like the operating system for your relationship. Just as your operating system controls what your computer does, your mindset controls what you do in your marriage.

Your mindset or perspective is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The way you think about your marriage and your husband dictates how you treat them, which affects what you experience in marriage. When you change the way you treat your husband, most of the time he’ll change the way he responds to you, and your marriage will change.

These mindsets dominate American culture.

Messed up Mindset 1: Men should be more like women

Men and women are designed to be different. But we train our boys to be more feminine and our girls to be more masculine. We teach girls men need to be more thoughtful and caring…like women.

Because I thought my husband needed to be more like me, it was natural to feel superior to him.

I concluded my ways and thoughts were better than his, so I wanted to—felt I even needed to—control him. I bought into the philosophy that anything a man can do, a woman can do better.

Also, things that are obvious to women aren’t obvious to men, and we shouldn’t get angry when they aren’t. So many things we think naturally don’t come naturally for a man. And it’s by design.

Messed up Mindset Number 2: He’s the problem, the whole problem, and nothing but the problem

I thought my husband was 99 percent of the problem in our marriage. I thought if he would change, we could have a great marriage. Here’s the problem with that: When I thought my husband was 99 percent of the problem, he was 99 percent of the problem. When I expected him to mess up, he never let me down. I was so focused on what he did wrong, I didn’t recognize what he did right. The more I pointed out his errors, the less time he wanted to spend time with me, which only made me blame him more for our problems.

Messed Up Mindset Number 3: He only cares about himself

When I thought my husband didn’t care about me, I treated him like he didn’t care about me. If he was late, I thought he was inconsiderate. If he forgot something, I thought my needs and wants weren’t important to him. If he left a mess or forgot to take out the trash, I thought he didn’t appreciate me.

In fact, I believed he wanted to irritate me. And I was irritated at the thought of him.

When he did something right, I rarely noticed. You won’t notice the right when you’re looking for the wrong. Would you want to spend time with someone who seemed irritated by your presence? Someone who constantly corrects or criticizes you?

Probably not. Neither does he.

Messed up Mindset Number 4: I need to be in charge

We usually think of bullies as physically stronger or abusive, but you don’t have to be physically strong or physically abusive to be a bully. You can be an emotional bully. For example, have you ever been angry at your husband, but you won’t tell him why? Do you threaten, yell, or give him the silent treatment? That’s emotional bullying.

Bullies need to be in charge.

A bullied man feels disrespected. He feels like he can’t do anything right, so he why try? If he stops trying, he’ll grow distant and disinterested.

Do you threaten to divorce him or leave with your kids as a tool to get what you want? I thought the threat of losing me would whip him into shape. It didn’t. It actually added to the instability in our marriage because he doubted my commitment.

Threatening divorce won’t change him. It puts negative thoughts into his mind about your marriage. Threaten enough and you might feel like you have to follow through, or he might think that’s really what you want and volunteer to leave. Bullying never gets you what you want. It may be a short-term fix, but it creates long-term problems.

Messed up Mindset Number 5:  I have to do everything

This messed up mindset tells you that don’t have the power to change your marriage, so you resolve to suffer and just accept it the way it is. You’re a martyr or a victim, but you’re resentful.

It’s easier to be a victim than to try to change because as a victim, all you have to do is exist. You feel like you’re morally superior, you know how to do things the right way, and he just doesn’t understand. You look to lay blame or find fault instead of being accountable and taking action.

Victims also keep the drama going by refusing to let him forget the times he’s messed up. If you don’t remind him, who will?

The goal is to win at all costs. You might win in the short term but do great damage to your relationship. And that’s not winning.

Messed Up Mindset Number 6: He’s not smart enough to boil water 

This mindset makes you think you’re the only one who can do anything right, so you do everything. You make all the plans. You take care of all the finances. You make all the decisions about the kids. Then you’re exhausted. You’re angry when he doesn’t help out, and you complain when he does. He’s not sure what to do, so he does nothing for fear of making the wrong decision and making you angry. He may appear to be acting more like a child because he becomes conditioned to wait for you to solve or fix things. This mindset is an intimacy killer. When you have this mindset, you act more like his mother than his wife. (No man wants to make love to his momma.) So he distances himself from you.

Thoughts are powerful. They dictate actions.  If you’re looking for the guy you married, try looking at your mindset first.