Sick Pilgrim
For me, one of the most difficult lessons to learn is the one expressed in the Gospel passage concerning the multiplication of the loaves. The theme is simple: the line that divides what we need from what we desire is a very thin line, difficult to distinguish clearly.
I am aware that in Catholic spirituality (and in a certain Protestant spiritualities) desire is often presented as a facet of our personal spiritual journey. For devout believers, it is suggested that our deepest desires are a reflection of the will of God for us. Our desires point us towards our vocation. But I believe that the Gospel disagrees with this idea. In the passage mentioned, John highlights how Jesus avoids the desire of the people to make him king. The people want the wrong thing. There are also other passages that warn the reader to be wary of desire. The most significant one seems to be Mk 7:21-23: “From within people, from their hearts, come evil thoughts, unchastity, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, licentiousness, envy, blasphemy, arrogance, folly. All these evils come from within.”
The heart is the core of men; it’s the center of the spirit, the place where God and man can meet. But it is also the place where things went wrong, the place where the original fracture took place. This fracture may have been healed, but we still carry the consequences, like a bone callus after a fracture. What remains is the yetzer hara of the Jewish tradition, the concupiscence of the Catholic theology, the radical evil of Kant; the tradition of ancient Buddhism that wants to silence desires by considering them the source of all suffering.
I have had several spiritual guides in my life; “several” because I was forced to change them as I moved from one place to another. I have met honest people, who were seriously looking for my good and God’s will, and I have met dishonest people, those who love to manipulate. Beware of those guides who want to dig your heart to see your deepest desires, and then tell you that you do not desire the right things, and make you feel guilty about it. But also be wary of those guides who pave your way and defend your desires, but who leave you alone when you face the consequences of your choices. The first are those who reproach Antigone for having buried her brother, the latter are those who push Oedipus into his mother’s bed.
Let be honest: desire is a gray area in which we find the best and worst of us. And distinguishing one from another is not for everyone. The lesson from Revelation reminds us it’s not easy. You can throw your hidden desires into the hands of God, but you will only receive what the prophet Elijah received in 1 Kings 19:1-8: a hearth cake and a jug of water. Because these are the bare essentials. In Lk 11:11-13 it is not written that if you ask God for fish, he will give you a fish. Maybe he will give you an egg. All you know is that he will not give you a snake or a scorpion. You will receive what you need.
God is a better judge than either we or our spiritual guides can be. He knows what we need, and as Bonhoeffer wrote in one of his last letters: “God does not grant our wishes, but he keeps his promises.” The same is revealed in Jesus: he is the messiah of the final times, the last Moses who repurposes ancient miracles that recall the actions of Elisha and the gift of manna in the desert. But at the same time, Jesus is not the messiah desired by the people, he is not the political figure who will restore the supremacy of Israel over the nations, but is instead the true sacrificial lamb for the expiation of our sins.
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Andrea Ciceri is a RPG and video game geek who also happens to have a PhD in Philosophy of Religion. Married, father of one son, he loves to cook for his family and friends. He is the proud owner of his family bookshop in Italy.
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