Try this one weird trick for ending the war on women

Try this one weird trick for ending the war on women February 26, 2014

You know what would cut through 99% of this crap, where we find ourselves arguing about whether or not saying, “Yes, I want to have sex with you” counts as sufficient consent, and whether or not “bystander intervention training” is sexist, and who’s waging a war on whom, and who’s winning?  Try following this simple rule:

If you are not married, assume there is never consent; and if you are married, treat your spouse like a person, not a thing.

I know I know I know. I know all the things, about marital rape and patriarchy and women’s sexual autonomy and the microaggression inherent in chivalry and bias against dads in family court and alllllll the things.

I also know there will be a neverending fountain of confusion and recrimination as long as we treat sex like something that can just happen between anyone at any time, and if we just figure out the right new rules, then no one gets hurt.

We already have figured out the rules. It’s called abstaining before marriage, getting married, having children if you can, and working hard at staying married.   Trying to figure out sex in any other context besides heterosexual marriage is like trying to grow tomatoes in a post-tomato cage era.  Congratulations, you’re free! And now you’re going to fall over and die.




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  • Succinct.

  • Rebekah Daphne

    Your last line made me burst out laughing. Oh, how true it is– how sad, but for those of us who know the truth, what hope we have to share with others!

  • James

    Very nice.

  • Ann Lanari

    I love the tomato analogy. I have tried many times to find a good comparative statement for freedom being the ability to do what you ought rather than to do what you want. That confines often enable us to do what we ought and that in that lies freedom. Excellent post.

  • Lynn

    I totally agree with your point, but I’m a gardener, and the very best tomato plants are the ones allowed to sprawl. They are harder to harvest, and some fruits will rot because they touch the ground, but overall you get a whole lot more tomatoes and you water less. I think maybe an unpruned, unthinned fruit tree would be a better metaphor, because they will waste their energy making loads of tiny fruit that cluster against each other and rot, and weak, sucker-y branches. I can’t believe I’m even leaving this comment, but I loved the whole article and then totally hit a wall in the last three sentences and just couldn’t let it go.

  • $1028912

    …except that people aren’t tomato plants, and some of us do much better when we sprawl over the ground and so we would rather not be caged, thankyouverymuch. To each her own!

  • anna lisa

    There have been two *gang rapes* here, in two months, at or near our university campus. Up until now this was pretty unheard of. Some people are saying that the perps are from out of town, and they are possibly gang related. Anyone who wants to live in fairy land, proclaiming, “freedom! Freedom!” or “We need to dialogue about this.” or “to each their own”, lives in a crazy vacuum.
    Until we confront and overcome the culture of objectification, we, and our daughters will never be safe.

    Last summer my husband and I were in a store standing behind a pregnant, Hispanic girl with a toddler. The girl had a huge tattoo on the back of her neck . The letters of the script were about two inches high. It read: “F**K A B**CH. She was wearing her hair up, so all could see it.

    I honestly can’t figure it out. Gang related? Proof of some initiation?

    Our pornified culture has reduced some women to give into this violence and dehumanizing behavior, as if it was NORMAL.

  • Ezbs

    Yep. What you described Simcha is referred to as “civilised”. Where order creates a flourishing and happy society. Where responsibility is engrained into our hearts. Where we control our urges.

    Harder said than done, for some more than others.

    And it’s usually the narcissist who will argue for relativity and a free-for-all. But they will hypocritically have lived a life as you describe it- civilly. Ha!

    The hippy in them wants to support the “theory” that doesn’t work in reality. It’s far more cool and edgy.

    Great post.