I whined, you listened.
Jessica Carney started things off nicely with the plainly stated Simcha Is the Worst. A good effort, but I couldn’t help but notice she spelled my last name “F-i-s-h-e-r,” which is how it is spelled. People who truly hate me never spell my name right. My current theories on this are that (a) they are so blinded by my outrageous claims that, for instance, Francis hasn’t definitively identified himself as the Demon Pazuzu, that they can’t see they keyboard properly, or (b) they have some vague awareness that I am one of them furriners, so all my names must have some extra letters in there somewhere.
Then Katrina Fernandez obligingly waded into to murkey waters of Change.org and launched a petition: Simcha Fisher Stop Wearing and Promoting Ugly Footwear.
It’s like she hates beautiful things. You know who likes beautiful things?
Baby Jesus, that’s who!
Persuasive! That is some rock solid crazy person reasoning, but I would have found it more compelling if, instead of “sincerely” as a valediction, the letter that demands an end to my wicknesness had ended with “in His name” or “currently being washed in the Precious Blood of the Most Holy Lamb; hope you are same” or something like that. And now I have to go find out what the hell “kitten heel pumps” are.
So I was feeling pretty good about the levels of outrage my existence is generating.
But then this new planet swam into my ken: Your Wrong Simcha Fisher. There is actually nothing I can say that will prepare you for this . . . whatever it is. If you read one thing today, make it be this. And then go lie down for a while.