Thanks to sensitive CIA reporting dating back to the Clinton administration, as revealed in a classified memo labeled "Top Secret" and also "For Immediate Release," I am able to report the following.
1. An Arabic student from Hamburg, Germany, who may or may not have been al-Qaida terrorist Mohammad Atta, may or may not have met with Ahmed Khalil Ibrahim Samir al-Ani, an Iraqi intelligence agent, in Prague, which may or may not be the capital of the Czech Republic.
2. Al-Ani was captured by the U.S. military in Iraq several months ago.
3. The U.S. military in Iraq uses "Black Hawk" helicopters.
4. Such helicopters played the title role in Ridley Scott's film Black Hawk Down, which also featured actor Sam Shepard.
5. Sam Shepard appeared in Steel Magnolias along with Julia Roberts.
6. And Julia Roberts was in Flatliners with, yes … Kevin Bacon.
Six degrees of vindication. It couldn't be any clearer.
And the connection is ongoing. Kevin Bacon's costar in the current release Mystic River is, according to unnamed sources occasionally known to be completely reliable, none other than the notorious Sean Penn. Penn, according to unnamed sources completely known to be occasionally reliable, visited Baghdad in early 2003 — just before the war.
What more proof do you people need?
P.S. The Department of Defense has issued a press release claiming that my conclusive evidence is "inaccurate." I'll let you decide for yourself whether or not this makes the Pentagon "objectively pro-Saddam."
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