Slate's Timothy Noah offers "Ten ways to rationalize the publication of infidelity rumors" — particularly when no evidence substantiating those rumors exists.
Noah lists as Excuse No. 1 pretending that:
It's a press story. "Welcome to Reliable Sources, where we turn a critical lens on the media. I'm Howard Kurtz. Should the media report unsourced rumors about THAT WOMAN JOHN KERRY'S BEEN BANGING BEHIND TERESA'S BACK? How much coverage of a candidate's private life is too much? Here to discuss this with us are Tom Rosenstiel and Bob Guccione."
An imaginative new variation on this approach is to omit the ethics angle entirely and merely speculate about whether the press will report on the rumor, as if it were some other beast entirely from oneself.
And this morning, the tabloid shock-rag Philadelphia Daily News does exactly that:
A global media scrum descended on the Chester County suburb of Malvern yesterday because of a furor over a rumored romantic link between a 1995 Great Valley High School grad and presidential hopeful John Kerry.
Despite the frenzy, little information was forthcoming yesterday, and there was no confirmation of any relationship between Kerry and the woman.
Several news trucks and assorted gawkers loitered outside the home of the parents of [the] 27-year-old … after her dad was quoted in a British tabloid that Kerry was "a sleazeball" who'd shown an interest in his daughter.
[The woman] who was a cross-country star in high school and who has worked as a reporter for the Associated Press, is said to be on an assignment in Kenya, half a world away from the furor touched off by an article on the popular Web site the Drudge Report.
And here are all the salacious details: "[Kerry] had asked her to join his campaign staff a couple of years ago but that she declined."
Whoa! He offered her a job! Is that even legal in Pennsylvania? This is all just so very … Wait … That's it? He "asked her to join his campaign staff"?
That's not a sex scandal. That's not even a scandal.*
So why are "several news trucks and assorted gawkers" hovering at some young AP journalist's parents' suburban house while she's away on assignment in Kenya?
Dudes — y'all been Drudg'd!
So, to our vulture friends in the media: Thanks for coming and fly safely.
If you're staying Saturday night for the cheaper airfare, why not visit The Flying Pig — a fine establishment in downtown Malvern with live music and Yuengling on tap. Tomorrow morning before your flight, make sure you don't miss brunch at The King Street Grill. One taste of their delicious farmer's omelette and you'll forget all about how foolish you're feeling for following a lead from Matt Drudge that kept you away from your loved ones this Valentine's Day so that you could harass the parents of a woman who almost once worked for a guy now running for president.
*UPDATE: Apparently the accusation is not that Kerry had an actual affair, but that he had developed the capacity for pursuing sex-related program activities. (Several commenters at other sites used that line and it was too good not to pass along.)
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