Burt Gummer speaks

Anti-gay crusaders broke into the wrong goddam rec room.

Actor Michael Gross has a short op-ed piece making the rounds on the subject of a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

Gross takes issue with the argument that extending the marital franchise to same-sex couples would somehow erode the “institution of marriage.” The real threat to that institution, he suggests, seems to come from us heterosexuals.

He has some fun pointing out that social conservatives often complain that “we’ve become a society of whining victims — fighting for a spot on Oprah and blaming others for our troubles.” Yet this is exactly their own response — blaming others — for the “sad state of conjugal bliss.”

I admit that blame-shifting does have its rewards. Nothing could be more satisfying than to think that gay men and lesbians — not we — are responsible for the shameful rate of failed marriages in the United States. If, as the Rev. Jerry Falwell claimed, they were indirectly responsible for the attacks of 9/11, they might be capable of anything! How very gratifying to conclude that my adversary is the embodiment of evil, while I am the embodiment of good.

Yes. I am convinced that the religous right’s obsession with homosexuality is driven by their fierce joy at being able to condemn something by which most of us aren’t tempted. They can’t preach against pride, envy, gluttony, wrath, greed, sloth or lust for the opposite sex — they’re neck-deep in all of those. But love for people of the same-sex seems like a safer target. So not only do they condemn it as a sin, they blame it for all the ills afflicting our society.

My complaint with Michael Gross’ op-ed has to do with the little bio at the end, which says that Gross is an actor best-known for playing the father on Family Ties.

I have nothing against Family Ties — it launched the careers of Michael J. Fox, Billy Vera and Tina Yothers — but this is not the role in which Michael Gross achieved his status as a film legend.

The man played Burt Gummer in Tremors. And for that unique contribution to the arts we all owe him a debt of gratitude.

If you haven’t had the pleasure, Tremors is Ron Underwood’s delightfully satisfying B-movie about the denizens of a southwestern scrubland town (Perfection, Nev., Pop. 16) and their struggle to survive the feeding cycle of gigantic, subterranean worms.

The movie’s appeal is as hard to define as it is to resist. Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward bring a great deal of charm, and Gross and Reba McEntire are a hoot as survivalist gun nuts.

But I think its real appeal is that Tremors is a creature feature in an age of slasher flicks. Slashers portray a war of attrition, a Hobbesian game of musical chairs in which the suspense comes from wondering which of the characters will survive. In Tremors, the small town bands together to survive as a community.

Like the characters in Night of the Living Dead, they are isolated and confronted with a ravenous menace. But instead of the infighting and bickering that dooms the people in that cult classic, the people of Perfection work together to survive.

Come to think of it, that’s sort of the point of Gross’ op-ed.