Texas or Florida? And can my state compete with the reigning champs?

Texas or Florida? And can my state compete with the reigning champs? January 23, 2014

“Texas or Florida?”

Let’s start with a lightning round:

1.County gun show shuts down rather than implement background checks

2. “At a debate in Fort _____, a Republican candidate for the … state board of education warned that the board is currently ‘using your tax dollars to brainwash our children into socialist issues and ideas.'”

3.Man mistakenly shoots himself during road-rage incident

4.Fireworks blamed in fire that torched hundreds of port-a-potties

5.‘Criminally insane’ man found in van with 36 guns, 4,629 rounds of ammo

6.Cop accused of using 911 and police substation for on-duty extramarital affair

7.Cops cuff and detain man for an hour for giving change to homeless person

8.Chuck E. Cheese brawl involved food, furniture, pepper spray

Answer key: 1. Texas, 2. Texas, 3. Florida, 4. Texas, 5. Florida, 6. Florida, 7. Texas, 8. Florida.

Some people have suggested that this game is unfair — that stuff like this happens in all 50 states.

And that’s true — Texas and Florida don’t have a monopoly on weird stories, or appalling stories, or on weirdly appalling or appallingly weird stories. They’re just the reigning champions at this kind of thing.

It’s not like every such story takes place in either Texas or Florida. “Customer’s Spider Monkey Bites Car Dealership Employee” — that was in Ohio (although it’s linked to a story about rare-animal smugglers arrested in, yes, Florida).

And it’s not that every only-in-Florida or only-in-Texas story is bad, necessarily. “Texas firefighter quenches roadside blaze with beer.” I suppose something like that could happen in Connecticut, but it just seems more likely to happen in Texas.

You could argue that this is all a function of size, not character. Texas and Florida are large, populous states, so if there’s more of this kind of story in those places that’s because there’s more of everything there than in smaller states.

That’s a valid point. But my state, Pennsylvania, is also fairly large and populous, and I’m just not convinced that we can compete at this level.

Sure, we’ve got our share of oddball characters — paranoid racist former Gilberton police chief Mark Kessler might seem at home in either Florida or Texas. And our dim, grasping, unpopular governor can go toe-to-toe with the likes of Texas’ Rick Perry and Florida’s Rick Scott. Gov. Corbett has mastered the two Ricks’ knack for finding new ways to kick the poors and for wasting taxpayers’ money by passing egregiously unconstitutional laws that later have to be overturned.

We’ve got our share of horrifyingly grim crimes and grisly mishaps. We’ve got brutal cops all across the state, and we just set free the fixer who shielded child-abusers from the law.

But Pennsylvania has also had its share of the kinds of stories that seem like they might be candidates for a round of “Texas or Florida?” So let’s see how the Keystone State stacks up head-to-head against one of the champions.

• Pennsylvania: “Man admits to beating ‘Amish Mafia’ star

• Florida: “77-year-old Walmart shopper attacks man with cart for having too many items in express lane

• Pennsylvania: “State trooper charged for punishing sleeping 13-year-old with pepper spray

• Florida: “Man arrested for assaulting wife with turkey neck

• Pennsylvania: “Assault suspect arrested after sharing cops’ Facebook photo of him

• Florida: “Blind man who shot drinking buddy granted immunity under ‘stand your ground’ law

• Pennsylvania: “Lawmaker promotes discrimination on MLK Day

• Florida: “They called it ‘Bill Young — The Forgotten Years.’

• Pennsylvania: “Police have arrested a man dubbed the ‘Swiss Cheese Pervert’ for allegedly committing indecent acts with dairy products”

• Florida: “Man caught having sex with roommate’s dog on hidden camera, police say

• Florida: “Man bites neighbor’s ear off over a cigarette

• Florida: “Man Tasered in eyeball outside bar called ‘One Eyed Jack’s’

Florida drops the mic and walks off the stage.

Florida and Texas are still in a league of their own.


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