I’d pretend that I was a billboard

• “The Single Blog Post New Testament Commentary.”

• Here’s a Bible verse: “You are righteous, O Lord, and all your deeds are just; all your ways are mercy and truth; you judge the world.” 

State lawmakers in Tennessee have just passed a bill declaring that the Bible is the official “state book,” but it’s not clear whether or not the Bible verse above is part of that book or not. That’s Tobit 3:2 — part of the Bible for Roman Catholics, Greek and Russian Orthodox Christians, but not for Southern Baptists and most of the other white evangelical Protestants in the Tennessee legislature. But even though “the Bible” exists in dozens of very different English translations, as well as a myriad of canonical forms, Tennessee lawmakers failed to say which Bible has been established (ahem) as their official state book.

Those lawmakers were more precise when recently voting to name an official state rifle. They specified that Tennessee doesn’t just revere any old rifle, but the Barrett M82 .50 calibre sniper rifle in particular. No such care was given to specifying which Bible they were honoring and whether or not it includes the book of Tobit.

• The classic giant-bug B-movie Them! was a staple of The 4:30 Movie, so I’ve probably seen it a dozen times or more. But I’d happily watch it again if I could do so with Chris and Lonespark. (Or with E.O. Wilson.)

• “Jim Bakker Would Not Be Surprised if the Government Stormed His Studio and Arrested Him for Teaching the Bible.” I would be very surprised, indeed, because that would mean that at some point Jim Bakker had actually been teaching the Bible.

Alas for LARPing fantasists like Bakker and his fellow persecuted hegemons, the Big Bad Gubmint is not now, and never will be, storming into churches to arrest real, true Christians for “teaching the Bible.” But if their nightmare ever came true and “teaching the Bible” became a crime, there would never be enough evidence to convict these charlatans.

• “Was Nebuchadnezzar a werewolf?” About time somebody asked that question. The suggestion actually came from Cotton Mather, who noted that “Nebuchadnezzar’s malady was not unlike a lycanthropy.”

Mather was writing about Daniel 4:28-33, which describes the Babylonian king descending into a wild state, wherein “He was driven away from human society, ate grass like oxen, and his body was bathed with the dew of heaven, until his hair grew as long as eagles’ feathers and his nails became like birds’ claws.” Since this tale of Nebuchadnezzar’s feral phase isn’t supported by any extra-biblical account, we’ll have to go with the author(s) of Daniel’s description and rule out lycanthropy. Werewolves are, of course, not herbivorous. And they only transform during the full moon, not for seven years.

Glad we could clear that up.

• “This used to be real estate, now it’s only fields and trees …”