Because the practice of spiritual direction is still rather new to a lot of people, there are some fears borne out of misconceptions about it. Here are the top five fears I have noticed people have about spiritual direction.
1. The spiritual director will judge me.
Fear of being judged harshly keeps some people away from spiritual guidance. Even when they learn that our training is explicit that we are not to here to judge, correct or change people. That last one may surprise you. But it is right. We are not to have any agenda about how you need to change. That’s between you and God. If you find you are in the hands of a judgmental, correcting director, I would advise you change directors. It is only when you are in the care of someone who is compassionate, non-judgmental and open that you will have the courage and freedom to make the changes you know you want and need to make.
2. It will be too expensive.
Ah, yes. That old financial nut. Indeed, I live on a tight budget and I know I evaluate everything I purchase carefully—so I’ve once or twice wondered, “can I afford $60-$80 a month (prices vary by region) for spiritual direction?” My answer has always been “yes” and here’s why. In Arizona, the cost of a spiritual director is about the same as a co-pay for a specialist with my insurance, a good haircut and color, or an hour with a fitness trainer or massage therapist. Those are just a few of the life luxuries I measure it against. And it’s so much more than a luxury to me. One hour with the person I can share my deepest spiritual longings and challenges with and know that I am not judged (see number 1 above), I am being prayed for, loved and supported—well, it’s invaluable. Another reason it’s not too expensive is that you generally can look around and find a spiritual director who will give you a sliding scale in which you can “pay what you can.” I frequently suspend my fee for directees who are experiencing unemployment or severe financial difficulties; I offer vouchers for free sessions for local pastors to give to people; and although I do set a fee I make it clear on my website that a sliding scale is available. And that practice is pretty typical. No one who wants or needs spiritual direction should fail to get it because they can’t afford it.
3. I’ll get too dependent on the spiritual director.
That may be, but a good spiritual director will notice a dependence growing, talk with you about it and together you will discover ways to be more independent. Believe me, the director fears this more than you! That’s because keeping healthy boundaries (which is primarily our job) requires that we remain a gentle guide and not a teacher, guru or coach. You need to, at all times, feel the freedom to walk away. If you are afraid you won’t know when or how to end the relationship, set up a time to talk with your director about what you want out of spiritual direction, how many sessions you think you will be able to commit to (there is such a thing as short term spiritual direction) and decide to evaluate things at that pre-determined end point. Some people enter direction hoping for a long relationship but many simply need a guide for a season.
4. The spiritual director will make me change my beliefs.
A good director doesn’t make you do anything. Some people select a spiritual director to help them make changes in beliefs that no longer hold true for them. But the director should never try to get you to become someone or something different than you are. Again, that is God’s work, not the director’s. So choose a director after having a few sessions with him or her. If someone is out to change you, you should feel it by then. I’m a liberal Protestant and I have had spiritual directors who were Catholic, “spiritual-but-not-religious,” and Protestant. The only one I had problems with….was Protestant.
5. Spiritual direction won’t help me.
Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. You’ll never know unless you try. Again, the goal of the spiritual director (at least one trained in the non-directive style) is to direct your attention to places along your spiritual path where more exploration might be called for. We are not fixers, change agents or advice-givers. Our job is to trust God with all that and be with you—for an hour a month—as you reflect on your spiritual life and growth. Many people find that helps enormously.
For more about spiritual direction as I practice it, please check out my website.
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