For most spiritual directors, the directee comes to the director’s office, home or other pre-arranged location. But how do those people who are not mobile or confined to their home receive spiritual direction? The director must either visit them at a distance (phone or Skype) or come to them.
For the past six months I have been contracted by First UCC Phoenix to be a “visitation pastor.” So I’ve been turning my spiritual direction skills toward a new population: the hospital or hospice patient, the person in assisted living or the homebound person. None of the people I visit needs to pay me for this work—it’s paid for by the church. And not all of these people are interested in classical spiritual direction. Most of them appreciate someone (anyone) from their church o religious background coming by, listening to their stories, praying with them and perhaps offering them communion. Still, I consider this work a branch of spiritual direction. It is the ministry of presence to a special community.
One spiritual director I know has been contracted by a family to make a weekly visit to a woman with dementia who was a faithful member of church all her life. The spiritual director, Rev. Elizabeth Lyman, gave me permission to share her experience of meeting weekly with Mary:
I would say my work with Mary is more of a spiritual companion than director. She is the widow of a pastor and has a Master’s degree in Christian Education. She tells me she never used her degree and that I remind her of all the duties of a pastor’s wife of her time, including a large number of Bible studies – all done without any pay in the days when pastor’s wives were the unpaid “extra” the male pastor brought to a congregation.
We spend much time talking about her past. The present can be elusive for Mary. She played the violin all of her life — including second chair in an orchestra long ago. She played small concerts at the assisted living home where she resides until 3 months ago when she fell and broke the bones in her shoulder. Now she can no longer lift her arm – no longer lift the violin to its rightful place.
I think the most important time I spend with Mary is in reading and discussing Scripture. Her mind is still sharp there. I read to her from her own Bible – the well-worn one with all sorts of notes in the margins and underlined passages. I often read her notes back to her and I let her speak of what that passage meant and means. Her, in the ancient words, she is present.
I am discovering that time with Mary is liminal time. More Kairos than Chronos. The boundaries have softened. She asks if I can put a CD of Mozart in her player for her. As the music fills the room, I look over to see Mary, eyes closed, fingering the strings in her lap.
When working with the homebound person, a spiritual director needs to let go of some of the rules we learned in spiritual direction training. We might visit with them more than once a month, but it may be for less than an hour. It is acceptable to choose a scripture to read to them, sing an old hymn or discuss theology.
Many of the same rules, though, do apply.
We cannot fix anything for them.
We must listen deeply.
We must allow them to tell their sacred story, regardless of where it goes or how much “sense” it makes to us.
Some things to keep in mind when visiting a homebound person:
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Don’t overstay your welcome. They usually don’t need a long visit. I once stayed a little past an hour (not watching the clock) and noticed the person I was visiting was starting to fall asleep!
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Simply asking, “How are you today?” will lead to the story they most need to tell you. Yes, it will be a lot about their aches and pains—that is their life. Listening is our greatest gift of empathy.
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Asking about their life and history can be very healing for them and quite interesting. One elderly gay man I visit with has been out of the closet most of his life. I asked him what it was like to be gay in the 50’s and 60’s and he lit up with stories about where the gay culture in Phoenix was lively back in the day.
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If you know them to be religious, always ask if they want to pray. Even if they are not too religious you can always ask—they will tell you if do or do not want prayer. Many find it enormously comforting to have someone pray with them. The Lord’s Prayer is always a good choice for Christians.
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If you know they are lovers of scripture, read some of their sacred text to them.
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If you and they are both Christians, and if you are comfortable doing so, offer them communion.
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If you are aware of a hobby or talent they used to enjoy, share that with them. Such as Rev. Lyman popping a CD of Mozart in the player for Mary so that Mary could relive moments of joy playing the violin.
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Be careful with religious language. It may mean something different to the person you are visiting than it means in spiritual direction. One example is when I asked a woman the old Methodist spiritual question: How is it with your soul? I was simply asking how her heart and spirit were doing. She thought I was asking her if her soul was in eternal jeopardy. Luckily for me she set me straight and I was able to tell her I was not in any way worried about her soul. I made a mental note to save that question for Methodists or perhaps not use that question anymore.
I hope more spiritual directors will consider visits with homebound people as part of their ministry. While it can be challenging and very different from the work we do with those who come to our offices, it is good for us to stretch.
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By the way, I have openings in my schedule for new directees—regardless of where you live. I can work by phone or Skype or if you live in the Phoenix metro area we can meet in person. If you are interested in learning more about spiritual direction or entering spiritual direction with me, please contact me at teresa@teresablythe.net or visit www.teresablythe.net. Also visit my website for the Phoenix Center for Spiritual Direction.
Photo credit: ulrichkarljoho via Foter.com / CC BY-SA
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