A few of my friends, who have been through similar traumas or worse, suggested I go to Divine Liturgy in the Byzantine rite. They said they’d been doing it for a long time now, and were looking into changing rites altogether. I decided to give it a try. I found a ride to the Byzantine rite church across the river, outside of my diocese and away from all the drama.
It was wonderful. I’ve been going to Divine Liturgy in the Eastern rite for over a month now, and my anxiety is at an all time low. At least in this particular area, the Byzantine church is much more friendly and inviting. There aren’t any bullies there. And worshiping and receiving Communion in a completely different liturgy doesn’t carry all the old associations of Mass. I never thought I’d be able to celebrate Sunday without pain, and here I am enjoying every minute and looking forward to it as the highlight of my week.
Praying the Divine Office felt pretty triggering to me because I associated them so strongly with that religious order, so now I pray Byzantine and Orthodox morning and evening prayers, and they suit me much better– the same God, the same Bible, the same reverence for Our Lady and all, but no associations with past abuse.
I also stopped wearing the brown scapular, and instead I wear a beautiful icon necklace of Christ the Panocrator, made for me by my talented artist friend Elisa. Elisa sells her artwork at Door Number Nine, by the way, and she said she’s giving away a free silver-plated medal with purchase if you mention this post and ask for one at checkout. Elisa explained the significance of the icon jewelry to me:
The icons behind the rounded glass cabochon are a really good setting because the glass magnifies the icon. So the picture inside actually looks bigger than its frame of the metal bezel. Much like a window gets bigger when you look through it, and fitting since icons are called Windows to heaven. Also, the way the glass is rounded, it catches the light so the necklace actually look lit from within. I don’t know exactly what the significance is of heavenly light in eastern theology but I know there is one.
I’ll probably get a Theotokos charm to put on my necklace from Elisa’s shop at some point, so that I can still wear something with Marian significance, but I know that Mary of all people understands and doesn’t have a problem with my wearing Christ alone for awhile.
Finally, I love to pray through art; viewing and making beautiful art is the easiest way for my soul to lift itself to God. I’ve always prayed while I drew or painted, even when the subjects of my artwork weren’t directly spiritual. So, of course, I’m drawn to icons. I’m reading about iconography and how to write them online, and I’m starting to practice writing them myself. It’s a beautiful way to meditate as I learn. Here are some of my practice attempts, if anybody’s interested. Excuse the grainy laptop picture quality!
Theotokos the Unburnt Bush
Guardian Angel
Mother of Sorrows
So anyway, that’s how I’m holding on this summer. I put it forth as an idea, and I put it forth by way of further clearing the air. You’re not a freak if you don’t fit into a given Catholic community. You’re not a freak if you’ve tried multiple times to fit in for years and nothing works. You’re not a freak if all the good people think you’re a pariah. You’re not a freak if you’ve been bullied or abused by fervent Catholics who look like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths, and you’re not a freak if you feel like this ruined you. At least, you’re no more of a freak than I am. And we’re both in good company; it was the fervent ones who looked like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths, who had Jesus crucified, and they ruined Him too. He rose again so that we might rise as well. He did that for us, so the people who never fit in would find themselves resembling God in a way all the right people don’t. I don’t know if that makes your situation any easier, but I like to remember it myself.
(first image via Pixabay; all others by the author)
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