I’m Going To Write A Dystopian Novel

(image via Pixabay)

I’m going to write a dystopian science fiction novel for teens. Or rather, I’m going to write three novels and call it a trilogy; then about a year later I’ll release the fourth follow-up novel and call it a saga, even though that’s not what “saga” means. And bibliophiles who bought the boxed set of three matching mass-market paperbacks in a slipcase that says “trilogy” on it will be depressed. But they will buy the fourth book anyway. I’ll get a minimum of seven blockbuster films out of my saga. Diehard fans will complain that they alter the text somewhat, but they’ll go see them anyway, and they’ll pay twice as much for the director’s cut later.

I am going to write a dystopian teen sci-fi story where the simple, homespun, raggedy country folk are the oppressive and violent regime, persecuting the peaceful eccentrically dressed effeminate people who live in a steel-and-glass futuristic city. Just to be more realistic and lifelike.

My novel’s main character will be a quirky but beautiful teenage girl with a ridiculous name like “Plumeria,” who is reasonably confident in her own abilities and looks. There will be absolutely no angst about how she can’t possibly win the deadly challenge before her, just her own helpless teenage self against the big bad world. There will be no obsessing over why certain characters seem to like her and heap her with compliments. In fact, in the very first paragraph of the first novel, she will declare that she has about an 80% chance of success depending on the weather, and she rates her looks a nine. In addition, she will have a younger sibling of whom she is fiercely protective, and the sibling will have an even stupider name. Her parents will not be very helpful.

The antagonists, the characters we’re actually supposed to hate, will have the insufferable Mary Sue-esque total lack of confidence. They will stare, blankly confused, if someone calls them attractive. They will fret. They will repeat over and over that they have no chance. They will be correct.

Plumeria will be pursued at all times by not one but two well-muscled male love interests. One of these interests will be a light-haired, gentle, boring goody-two-shoes with the name of a wholesome bread product, like “Pumpernickel.” The other will be a dark-haired maverick with cruel intentions and the name of a weather phenomenon, like “Sleet.” Pumpernickel and Sleet will be in tacit rivalry, exchanging barbs and sharp looks with one another whenever they meet. The heroine will notice this instantly because she’s not an idiot. In the end, she will choose neither of them, because she has taken a vow of celibacy and likes it. Both Pumpernickle and Sleet will get scabies unless I can think of something worse to do to them, because I dislike love interests in teen novels even more than I dislike false humility.

Plumeria will not have a nonthreatening black mentor nor a lovable drunk mentor, but she will come to know and love a cute little girl who dies tragically. That’s a venerable trope that goes back further than Dickens.

There will be warring factions, known either by a number or another ridiculous name.

There will be emotionless footsoldiers who deceptively wear white armor.

There will be brainwashing for the good of society via intense sadistic torture, hopefully for both Pumpernickel and Sleet.

There will be an Emperor or President or something, and he will be oily. Literally. I shall name him, “President Oily.”

There will be computers with a suspiciously small number of buttons, which perform suspiciously specific tasks with just one click.

At the end of the series, Plumeria will be given the opportunity to Take Vengeance On Her Enemy. Everyone will expect her to Take Vengeance On Her Enemy. She’ll be in a large crowd of people and be given a weapon to Take Vengeance On Her Enemy. And then, in a stunning plot twist… she’ll go ahead and take vengeance. Because I hate the tired trope that every single time a beautiful young heroine is given a weapon to take vengeance, she turns around and surprises the audience by shooting someone else. In addition, Plumeria will never make a bratty statement about girl power after killing someone. She’ll just kill them and not make a crack afterwards. There will be a great deal of controversy over whether Plumeria really counts as a Strong Female Character, since she doesn’t make bratty statements after she kills people.

Charismatics will claim that my saga is a gateway drug to “the occult” and design horrible websites about it.

Franciscan University students will claim that my saga is “so pro-life, man. Every life in that book mattered. Pumpernickel is really symbolic.”

Youth group leaders will try to make clever references to my saga. They will fail miserably, and the youth will roll their eyes.

Hip young English professors will teach 300-level courses on my saga as a cultural phenomenon, and other professors will quietly wonder if that’s going too far.

I am gonna be so rich.