I have the best readers; the most wonderful, dedicated following. Sometimes they leave me comments, and that is great. Just today, a reader who goes by “See Noevo” and who comments on nearly every post lately asked an intriguing question which I swear I’m not making up:
What about Santa’s true gender, or rather, how Santa self-identifies on gender?
Or Santa’s sexual orientation?
I tried to brush See Noevo off with some casual banter, as usual, but he’s keenly interested in gender identity issues. He plays coy, but he totally is. He said:
I don’t wonder about such things. I figured you might since you’re bringing up the race card, just as people bring up other “intersectional” cards on gender, sexual orientation, etc.
I was going to ignore him, but then I remembered that I’m a trusted blogger. People look to me for information on their burning questions about intersectionality and the gender identity of mythical characters based upon real-life saintly bishops. I decided to do a little research.
You’ll be floored at what I found.
It turns out that Santa is female.
Yes, that’s right. Santa is a girl. It’s a fact.
Santa was a young and nubile teenage virgin in Syracuse, very lovely to behold. Her dimples were merry. Her cheeks were like roses; her nose like a cherry. After her mother was miraculously healed of an illness, Santa donated her dowry money to charity in order to live the life of a consecrated virgin. This angered the amorous Syracusian nobleman to whom Santa had been promised in marriage. He really wanted to have sex with Santa. The governor tried to force poor Santa to live and work in a brothel, but Santa miraculously became too heavy to carry off when the guards arrived. That’s where the myth of the big round belly like a bowl full of jelly comes from. Santa was gruesomely tortured. Santa’s eyes were gouged out, though in some versions of the tale Santa gouged them out her jolly old self to make herself less sexy. After Santa’s martyrdom, however, her eyes were found to have grown back, more beautiful than ever. How they twinkled! Santa was tied to a stake for burning, but the fire didn’t catch. This is why Santa is said to slide down chimneys into fireplaces, in memory of the miracle of her not burning to death. Finally, Santa was put to the sword. Her garments were stained red with her blood, and to this day she is portrayed in a red snowsuit for her martyrdom, with a big white beard to represent sexual purity.
Her feast day is the thirteenth of December.
I’m talking about a girl named Santa. Santa Lucia de Syracuse.
Thanks to See Noevo for the hot tip. I’ll never forget to question a saint’s gender identity again.
(image via pixabay)