Murder Most Dubious

Murder Most Dubious September 7, 2017



I have seen several people publicly declare that if you believe the Pope is complicit in the assassination of cardinals, you need no longer associate with them. I’m of the opposite opinion. If you believe the Pope is complicit in the assassination of cardinals, come and sit by me. Explain all about it. Give me the inside scoop. Sign me up for your newsletter. I want to know how your mind works.

In case you’re out of the loop, it seems that Cardinal Caffarra has passed away, may God grant him eternal memory– or, as Lifesite News put it, “Dubia signer Cardinal Caffarra dies awaiting Pope’s clarification.” He was 79 years old. There is nothing funny about a cardinal’s death, and we should all pray for his soul and for the consolation of his family and loved ones. There is also nothing funny about Cardinal Joachim Meisner’s death at the age of 83 two months ago, may God grant him eternal memory.

Severely unhinged conspiracy theories, though– those are hysterical. And today, it was drawn to my attention that a sizable group of people honestly seem to think that the deaths of these two cardinals are the result of a sinister Vatican plot.

You see, last November, Cardinals Caffarra and Meisner both signed a “dubia,” which sounds like George W. Bush’s Latin nickname but is actually a set of formal questions they publicly submitted to the Holy Father. These questions were about Amoris Laetitia and how it is to be interpreted. Caffara and Meisner comprised fifty per cent of the dubia signers; the others were Cardinals Raymond Burke and Walter Brandmüller, who are not spring chickens either. Traditionalist reactionaries who hate our beloved Holy Father cheered the dubia as if it was a formal bird-flip to Pope Francis– who, to his credit, has refused to hurry in answering their questions. Considering that Francis is the POPE and answers to no one but Christ, it is entirely pointedly likely that Burke and Brandmüller will also die waiting for answers to their dubia. It’s possible that everyone reading this blog post will die waiting for answers to the dubia.  Perhaps this whole generation will have passed away before the dubia passes away. That’s one of the perks of being Pope: you can do that when people ask you questions. The drawback to being Pope is that people don’t stop asking.

Other people didn’t see it that way. Other people–yes, multiple people– thought that two elderly men passing away while waiting for the answer from a person who isn’t required to answer them, was a sure sign of a dastardly conspiracy. They thought the good cardinals had been offed.


“Is something not fishy here? Those freemasons loitering the vatican [sic] may be up to something, with their archman sitting on the throne of Peter” 

They involved the masons, God bless them. And they think the Pope is a mason.


“It looks like someone is pulling a “John Paul I” on the dubia cardinals. I hope RBL takes plenty of Vitamin C.”

I had no idea there was a John Paul I assassination conspiracy theory floating around as well.  Not a clue. As my friend put it, “When did this old men dying thing start?” The answer, of course, is Vatican II. Before the second Vatican council, only young people died, usually of consumption.


“I ask pardon of God if I am being judgmental…but it is all too clear for any sincere person to see. Look at the comments coming from key vatican [sic] figures, lending vocal support to the destruction of morals and marriage. What other agency on earth will work for that, if not the masons, the arch enemy of the Church on earth.” 

Judgmental, no. “Judgmental” is not the word I would use at all. And I must be a sincere person, because I’m just not seeing it.


“I’m beginning think the Jesuits have their own mafia… this is more than just “coincidence!””

“Very Suspicious… God have mercy on us” 

Not only a Vatican and a Masonic conspiracy, but a Jesuit conspiracy as well. Has anyone scored a Bingo yet?


“Comment just left on the website: It must be hard to get insurance if you signed dubia.” 

Dude, they’re in the VATICAN. That’s Europe. You don’t need insurance in Europe. They have that evil freedom-hating socialist public healthcare over there. You can see a Jesuit assassin for free at any hospital or clinic.


“Somebody good at math should see what the non-dubia versus dubia death rate has been” 

Coincidentally, “The Non-Dubia versus Dubia Death Rate Has-Been” is the name of my alternative rock band.

Maybe Dan Brown was onto something with those secret Jesuit ninja assassins…

I don’t think I ever really sat down and read Dan Brown, but weren’t his assassins albino Opus Dei monks, not Jesuit Ninjas? And I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but this story sounds a bit too contrived for Dan Brown.

So, there you have it. Multiple people honestly believe that the Pope is involved in a plot to assassinate the Dubia Cardinals. And I have so many questions for these people. Why would His Holiness bother to kill the cardinals instead of continuing his excellent work of irritating them by not answering the dubia? What would have happened differently if all four cardinals had lived a little longer? Why in the world didn’t he start with Burke, clearly the easiest choice as he could have staged a trip-up on that ridiculous cappa magna? Could it be that Burke is complicit in this somehow? What if Burke is the Pope’s assassin, and all the denunciations from Burke are just red herrings to throw us off his track? What if Burke’s true motive is to kill the other three Dubia Cardinals, become the One True Dubia Cardinal and help The Remnant stage that Vatican coup they were openly planning back in December? Where do the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians factor into this? What about George Soros? Could it be that Willy Wonka was actually making candy from the bodies of dead, greedy children? Where are Max and Ruby’s parents? And why have we never seen Austin Ruse and Grand Moff Tarkin in a room together?

Of course it’s entirely possible that the two Cardinals merely died of old age, but that would mean we’d have to pray for them like good Catholics instead of going into hysterics.

(image via Pixabay) 





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