USCCB Parody Account Reveals the Mess the Church is In

USCCB Parody Account Reveals the Mess the Church is In March 4, 2021

Parody accounts are not often funny, but I found one that is.

The other day, an account briefly appeared on Twitter imitating the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops’ ghastly official account. It looked so close to the original that people got mixed up, which isn’t okay, so Twitter deleted it. But then they were back within 24 hours with a new page, clearly announcing itself as a parody, and this one is hilarious.

Throughout the day yesterday and today, they’ve tweeted the most wickedly funny things.

We reread both the Bible and the catechism, consulted canon lawyers and out mothers, and have determined that it is not actually hard to say Black Lives Matter.
I snorted.
Just finding out about Fr Longenecker and wtf someone with authority should do something. Shall we send it to committee?
 To which a commentator responded “Nah, committees are only for Democrats,” and I snorted again.
Dear young people of the Church! We know you’re hurting, but we want you to know we have a bishop with a blog and a YouTube channel! Like and subscribe so you won’t be beige!
 “Beige” is Bishop Barron’s curious term for liberals, in case you didn’t know. I liked that one too.
*a man with no relevant life experiences has entered the chat*
 That one might be my favorite.
 It went on from there:
Bishop Strickland just announced that his favorite part about the upcoming Tyler Compound is there will be no poor people, no gays, no immigrants, no gypsies, no Jews!
That one was just about an hour ago– and, sensing they might have gone too far, they immediately followed up with:
Ope sorry we were reading from the wrong white supremacist’s wish list here. Will update with Bishop Stricklands preferred demographics shortly.
At some point, perhaps sensing that they might not be clear enough that they were a parody, they tweeted:
Please remember that we are not real bishops! Real bishops don’t say Black Lives Matter or queer lives are holy or what do you think since this affects you most?
Funny because it’s true and also not funny because it’s true. The USCCB doesn’t make bold statements. They don’t stand up for victims unless the victims are unborn, and even then they mush-mouth to please their political donors. They will only beat up on people who can’t defend themselves. They are the most pusillanimous bullying men in the world.
And somewhere in all of this brutal parody,  the fake USCCB account went for the gut punch. They tweeted:
For those of you who have cried tears of hurt because of the things we have taught, done, and failed to do, we repent. Please forgive us if and when you are able. Though we understand if you cannot. We are so, so sorry.
That was the joke.
And it’s the most wicked parody there could ever be, because the USCCB would never say anything like that, and we all know it.
Our Bishops will demonstrate the most horrendous decadence and rub it in our faces. Dioceses devolve into abusive hell holes so horrible it seems like a broad comedy. They can’t even enforce the most rudimentary safety rules. Bishop Barron will proceed to puzzle over why so many Catholics are leaving and blame bad catechesis because it couldn’t possibly be the leadership. They demand we stay with them but they never make amends for anything they’ve done to hurt us. And then, just when you thought they couldn’t get any more damaging, they turn around and attack any effort to protect helpless people who are already victims of violence.
The silliest, most over the top slapstick parody imaginable is that the USCCB would be sincerely sorry, for anything– that they would understand why we find them so hard to forgive.
They’re not in that line of work.
Peter wept, Thomas said “My Lord and My God,” but the successors to the apostles here in the United States are so incapable of taking responsibility that pretending they gave a sincere, unqualified apology for everything is a hilarious joke.
And when you put it like that, I don’t feel like laughing anymore.
What a mess our Church is in.

Image via Pixabay

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross and Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.

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