To Be Yourself, In Christ

Tuesday was absolutely magical, one of the best days of my life.

Wednesday was one of the worst, and I can’t say exactly why. I think it was just the whiplash: taking my fear in both hands and driving all the way to Pittsburgh for the first time ever, eating a gluten free bakery treat that put me out of ketosis for the first time since December, seeing all the beautiful sights of the urban areas I’ve deeply missed living in, and then coming home to Steubenville to the house where I feel deeply unsafe, and waking up to hear my menacing neighbor in the throes of a manic episode outside my window, ranting that we’d turned all of her neighbors against her.

I managed to write a blog post about my great day before I completely broke. I had panic attacks for the rest of the day, in between homeschooling subjects. I couldn’t even eat from morning until well after midnight, and after I ate I fell asleep, but then I woke up feeling a panic attack again. I was beside myself with anxiety and panic for the first several hours of the day. It’s worn most of the way off now. I’m back in ketosis, based on my physical symptoms. I’ve got several new leads on telehealth appointments so the situation I’m struggling with now won’t be a problem. Next time I go to Pittsburgh it won’t be such a novelty, so it shouldn’t make me so sick.

I looked at my comment box and found that a perplexed man was offended by my writing. He didn’t understand what it had to do with Catholicism. All I ever do is talk about my life, which to him seems completely terrible. That has nothing to do with being a resource in a discussion on Catholicism, he claimed. He didn’t know why I was holding myself up for everyone to see, telling my story again and again. That’s not all I do on this blog, not by a long shot: I also write about prayers and politics and movies and such. But he’s right, I do write a lot about myself, and the things that happen to me, and the boring things that I do.  I write a lot about my lack of faith, my deconstruction, my dodgy physical health, my struggles with mental health, and about who I am.

Because this is what it is, for me,  to be Catholic.

To be Catholic is to be who you are, in your body and your mind and your soul, in Christ.

If you are an interesting and courageous person, like a Saint Francis Xavier or a Saint Joan of Arc, you are that interesting person, in Christ. If you are a weak and boring person like me, you are weak and boring in Christ. If you are physically sick like Saint Therese and me, mentally ill like Catherine of Sienna and me, traumatized like Saint Josephine Bakhita, a victim of racism like Saint Martin DePorres, you are that in Christ as well. If you are lonely, you are lonely in Christ, and the loneliness itself becomes the loneliness of Christ, a prayer for the salvation of the whole world. If you are sick, you are sick in Christ, and your sickness is the sickness of Calvary. If you are anxious, you are anxious in Christ, and your anxiety becomes the anxiety of Gethsemane. If you are a victim of injustice, you are a victim with Christ. When things are going splendidly, you enjoy them in Christ. If nothing ever goes right for you, it doesn’t go right for Christ either. When you are awake, you keep watch with Christ. When you are asleep, you sleep in His arms. When you die, Christ dies with you, and then He rises from the dead and draws you back to life with Him.

That’s what it is to be a Catholic.

I am suffering right now. It’s really bad. I know that I often write about my struggles with anxiety here on the blog and I always look like a mess, so I don’t know how to explain that it’s worse now. But it’s worse in Christ, and when I get better I get better in Christ. This is a Catholic life.

I write about myself for many reasons. Because I’m lonely, and seeing you in the comment box makes me less lonely. Because my readers feed the tip jar from time to time, which is how I stay alive. Because people often reach out to say “Me too!” and are relieved to find that they’re not alone, when they thought they were before, and I want people to realize they’re not alone.

This belongs on a Catholic blog, because this is what it is, to be a Catholic.

To be a Catholic is to be yourself.

There isn’t a specific person who can be a Catholic. The word “Catholic” means universal. It’s all of us. The life we live is a life in Christ.

I know I didn’t need to answer my critic, but in case you wondered, that’s why.

I am sick in Christ right now. Someday I won’t be sick, but I’ll still be in Christ. So that’s what I’m writing about, right now: me being sick, in Christ.

And someday soon I’ll write about something else.