How the War on Christmas Was Won

Gather around, true believers, as I tell the tale that will surely go down as both celebration, and a warning for generations to come, that we not fall back into what was once dark days, again.

This is the tale of how Christmas in the United States was almost lost to us, but was rescued from the miry pit of political correctness and given back to us, whole and unscathed.

The story begins a decade or more ago. The land was ruled by the wicked King Barry the Dark.

King Barry was evil to his core. He spent his days trampling flower beds, pulling the wings off of insects, and oppressing the people.

Still, the citizens found one time of year – Christmas – where they could rejoice and be happy. They could forget the tyrant king, and would celebrate, embracing each other in the streets, singing songs of gladness and calling after each other in joyful greeting, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

Yes, truly,  Christmas was a magical time where the people knew no heartache, saw no misdeeds among themselves, but only goodness and charity.

Wicked King Barry would sit in his ivory castle, high on the avenue of Pennsylvania, and sulk. Why were they so happy? Why was there such cheer and celebration in the streets of his kingdom?

The king would cringe at the sound of Christmas carols. Christmas decorations and the brightly colored lights would cause him to groan with disgust.

He had to do something. This thing, this “Christmas” had to be stopped!

So King Barry wrote a decree, stating that Christmas was banned, throughout the land. There would be no Christmas carols, lights, or Christmas trees.

Stores would no longer have Christmas displays. Coffee vendors would only serve coffee in bland, simply colored cups. The very mention of “Christmas” was deemed offensive to the rule of the king.

The people were so afraid, knowing that simply possessing a Christmas ornament was punishable by the new law of the land.

Suddenly, that one time of year when all the citizens of the land could enjoy themselves went away. There were no streets in these United States that were lined with Christmas lights or wreaths.

No mistletoe, Christmas trees, or Nativity scenes were allowed to stand, anywhere.

It was as if the world fell into darkness.

Still, there were some who sought revolution, and actively declared war! They would fight back! They saw, and recognized that the war was already brought on us by the wicked king!

Nightly, they issued a call  to arms, appealing to the citizens to rise up and dethrone King Barry, to save Christmas!

Friends, I can tell you the war on Christmas was brutal! Wicked King Barry’s forces were powerful. They would beat back the surging Christmas warriors, with shouts of, “Happy Holidays!”

I can’t tell you how many were left in the dust of the killing fields. All I can say is the scattered tinsel and tissue paper, ankle-deep, in some places, was not for the faint of heart.

After many years of fighting, King Barry grew tired, but he was not ready to give up the battle, so he called together his royal counsel and asked that they find a true champion for their cause. They needed someone to step in and deliver defeat to the pro-Christmas troops.

From the darkened corners of King Barry’s tribe was plucked an enchantress, Hildegarde the Clintonian.

Hildegarde was known for her skills with magic and spells. She could make thousands of emails disappear, as if they had never existed.

When she stepped onto the battlefield, wearing her armored pants suits, the Christmas warriors, for the first time, felt real fear that they could lose the war, and Christmas would be lost to us all, for good.

Now, there were many brave fighters prepared to go to battle against King Barry’s champion, Hildegarde. There was no shortage of qualified, capable soldiers in this battle, and many strapped on their armor and reported for duty.

But though there were many, the people saw among them another, who did not have the training of a soldier, nor the experience in any meaningful battles.

“This is our champion!” they shouted. “He will be the one to defeat the forces of wicked King Barry and restore Christmas to us!”

And they were right!

From among so many noble paladins arose Donnie the Pious. A tangerine knight, prepared to do battle, and make the land great again!

He would be perfect! Maybe what was needed was not an experienced soldier, but a man of upstanding moral character, something any of Donnie’s various wives or creditors would surely attribute to him.

Sir Donnie and Hildegarde met on the battlefield with fierce determination, each equally convinced that their cause was just.

When the dust settled, it was Sir Donnie who hoisted a flag of victory.

Next, he and his company swarmed the avenue of Pennsylvania, deposing King Barry and claiming the throne.

He was now King Donnie the Pious, defender of Christmas and tweeter of things.

The people took to the streets, weeping with great relief and joy! Christmas and all its wonders was restored to us!

As if coming out of a deep, fitful sleep, they came, with tinsel, garland, ornaments, and good cheer!

King Donnie declared that, once again, we could say, “Merry Christmas!” That feared utterance was no longer a crime, but a right!

In the streets,  in the shops and community squares, decorations and celebrations of the season began, again!

Holy men stood in their pulpits on Sundays and glowed, “Thank you, King Donnie the Pious…  for you have given us a freedom unlike any we have known, before! Truly, you are to be exalted!”

There are many tales of King Donnie’s exploits, but how he saved Christmas is one of my favorites, and I hope it is one of yours, as well.

Tell your friends. Tell your children, and your children’s children. Spread the news, far and wide. This is the most important Christmas story of all time, many people say, but it will never get a fair telling from the fake news media.

It is up to us. And some guy named “Q.”

MERRY CHRISTMAS, FOLKS!