Presenting The Ultimate Witch Kit (TM)

Presenting The Ultimate Witch Kit (TM) September 4, 2018
Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

Here we go again. It never fails.  It seems like I go away to a festival or retreat where my access to the internet world is limited (which is a good thing), some new thing hits the social media. Then I get tagged dozens of times, asking my opinion on whatever it is or have I seen it?  Regarding the latter, I’m somewhat of a spider – I tend to see/spot things well before the wave hits, so usually the answer is yes. For the former, it’s nice that folks want to know what I think, but I doubt whatever I’m going to say is the response they are looking for. I love pearls, but I rarely clutch them.

This time the kerfuffle is regarding yet another “witch kit”, being carried by a company that’s generally known for selling cosmetics (I think). Sure, we could talk about issues of capitalism, commercialism, appropriation, trends, poor life choices, tacky design, environmental concerns, and so forth.  Many people already have. But I’d rather talk about the Ultimate Witch Kit(TM) instead.

The Ultimate Witch Kit (TM)* – or UWK for short (pronounced U-wic) is exclusive and elusive. You can’t order it online or find it a shop. In fact, you can’t even buy it, not for any amount of money.  But it does have quite the price. However, the UWK guarantees that you will become a Witch. (Note: the UWK is not specific to any path or tradition.)

So what’s in the UWK you ask? Well, it doesn’t come with a book, crystals, over-harvested herbs, or tarot deck.  No tools or items of clothing either. No, not even a candle – or a picture of one! In fact there’s no packaging of which to speak of. Yet the UWK comes with everything you need.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Well, how the heck do you get one? I’m glad you asked. The process of acquiring one is a bit different for every person.  Sometimes it comes along with an underlying dissatisfaction with what you grew up with. Or it may come along with the realization that you are a bit different from the norm – in either how you feel, see, or experience the world.  Other times, it piggybacks on the desire to have more control over yourself and your surroundings.  Most simply, the thought “I want to know more” can summon its appearance, even if you don’t know the UWK exists!

From that moment on, your path as a Witch has begun.  From there, you will read many things,but the truth is not in any one text. You will experience many things, but no one experience is the pan-ultimate. You will see the world in new ways, find hidden meaning, and have your mind blown again and again.  You will make both wise choices and silly mistakes. Every day after the first moment furthers your journey as a Witch.

The cost for the UWK will be extracted from you in increments of time, drops of blood, sweat, and tears, and moments of ecstasy. Every little bit is worth the price of admission.  Also please note, your UWK may differ in appearance than the next person’s.  Your UWK is crafted especially for you, and 100% unique!

One last thing about the UWK – there are no returns, no refunds, or exchanges.  Trust me, you don’t want to visit the customer service desk of the Universe before your time.

*Legalese: The Ultimate Witch Kit (TM) is a recognized yet mysterious trademark of the Universe Unincorporated. Any likeness to other witch kits is purely subjective, objective, and coincidental. Proceed with caution, human and spirit supervision recommended as needed. People who take themselves way too seriously may wish to seek professional help before starting UWK. 


About Laura Tempest Zakroff
Laura Tempest Zakroff is a professional artist, author, dancer, designer, and Modern Traditional Witch. She holds a BFA from RISD (The Rhode Island School of Design) and her myth-inspired artwork has received awards and honors worldwide. Laura blogs for Patheos as A Modern Traditional Witch, Witches & Pagans as Fine Art Witchery, and contributes to The Witches' Almanac, Ltd. She is the author of the best selling book Sigil Witchery: A Witch's Guide to Crafting Magick Symbols, as well The Witch's Cauldron: The Craft, Lore & Magick of Ritual Vessels, and The Witch's Altar (co-authored with Jason Mankey). You can read more about the author here.
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