I am a bad wife. Very bad.

I am so disgusted with this idiocy (goodbye ANWR, goodbye energy independence, hello pain) that I have turned my head from the news of the day to this Wife’s Chart, which – in 1939 – was put together by some poor deluded man who believed he could get away with writing this and remain happy. Or healthy. (Via Ace)

The article only presents the first portion of the wife test, but as I score a measly ten points…well…I do love and appreciate my tolerant husband. But I always did know I had a good ‘un in him.

Am I slow in coming to bed? Most nights I beat him to it, and quickly put my cold feet on his warm shins when he finally hits the sack. I am good at sewing buttons but darning socks does not happen. I wear red nail polish on my tootsies. If I ever wore stockings with seams they would always be crooked, but I rarely wear stockings at all, as I am a thick-ankled Hillarian Pantsuit sort of girl. You’ll never see me with a sweater draped over my suit jacket, though, because that’s just a damn weird thing she does. I am a backseat driver, I never flirt but I’m never suspicious or jealous. Mean, ornery and cynical, but never jealous. I am a tolerable hostess but not if you drop in unexpectedly; then I am really deplorable and I will have to answer, someday, for my lack of hospitality. I stopped making meals on time when my husband routinely showed up late for them. Now the good man feels fortunate if I’ve cooked at all. Dressing for breakfast is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard of – what a quaint notion! No, I’m not tidy; we both tend to pile up paper and books. Yes, I put the children to bed and read them stories and did Elmo impressions and sang lullabies…that will have to balance out the poor housekeeping. I am neither jolly nor gay; more of a wry chuckle’r than a laugher. I never let my husband sleep late because it’s not his way, and any merit to be found in my religiosity or example to my kids is purely thanks to his example. We try not to go to bed mad, but sometimes that happens.

Gosh…I guess both of us fail. I’m not a very subservient wife and my husband is not much of a demander. We’ll have to just stick together.

Part of me is tempted to write my own “Husband Chart” but we all know what the stereotypes are, so it would ultimately be a pathetic and boring endeavor that adds nothing to the conversation. So just take part I of the test, ladies, and rejoice that your red nail polish no longer makes you a damn stinking whore.