Being a single parent isn’t so bad. There are worse things. Trust me…

Being a single parent isn’t so bad. There are worse things. Trust me… January 8, 2012

… Being a single parent isn’t so bad. Trust me on this one. Of course I am not advocating single parent households over the traditional model of family, which I know to be superior, but I want women who may find themselves debating abortion because they have no support from the father to know that being a single mother is not worse thing out there. Again, you’ll just have to trust me.

Right now you may be hearing the typical arguments from family and friends about the financial burdens you’ll be placed in raising a child alone. You may also be told tales of woe about how you will have to give up your dreams and life in order to do double duty and take up the slack of an absentee father.

Yes, these are all the realities that await a single parent; however, that doesn’t make these realities devastating or life ending. These are all very small things to endure and over come in comparison to the life long guilt and pain you will experience from having an abortion. People have overcome greater adversity – loss of limb, paralyses, death of loved ones, battles with cancer, religious oppression, torture, the Holocaust.You name it. Being a single parent is trivial in comparison and you are stronger than you think you are. Please, just trust me.

Notice I didn’t say being a single parent is easy. Even in a two parent household parenting is still difficult. I said it wasn’t so bad. And it isn’t. But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it can’t be done or shouldn’t be done at all. If that were case no one would do anything ever.

Really, you’re going to have to trust me. I’ve had pets run away from home, burned enough meals to have fed a small country, killed every houseplant I’ve ever owned, and set my front yard on fire [true story!] yet I’ve managed to successfully raise a child on my own. Take heart in the knowledge that you are not expected to be a perfect parent or have a perfect life and you will be just fine.

If your parents are mad at you for being pregnant and unwed they will forgive you. The minute they hold their grandchild in the arms they’ll come around. If you are a teenager or college student and are worried about school, know that school will always be there. You can take courses online or go back to school and finish your degree when your child starts school. Six years seems like forever to put your plans on hold, I know, but it really isn’t. My son is nine and I swear he was just born yesterday.

Even if you’re a successful business women in the height of your career, know that your career will never love you like your child. Nor will it ever be as rewarding as parenthood.

Financially, you may argue, it will be impossible to raise a child alone. You’d be surprised how little a child really needs. All that baby stuff, you don’t need it. Also, your future child will not care in the least what kind of car you drive, house you own or rent, whether you or they wear designer clothes or own a smart phone. All that kids really need is love and you can provide that. I know you can .

Children are wonderful little beings that will change your life and I can sincerely tell you that out of the mistakes you’ve ever made and or going to make in the future, you will never regret the decision you made to follow through with your pregnancy and have your child. Even on your most weary and miserable days you will find yourself saying you’d do it all over again for the sake of your child. Trust me.

However, if you truly feel you can not be the parent your child needs there are plenty of loving people who are desperate to adopt. I encourage you to give adoption serious consideration because the only way you could possibly regret your decisions is if you choose the coward’s way out – abortion.

Yes, if you have an abortion you will feel like a coward the rest of your life. You will always doubt yourself and your worth. When you are faced with big decisions to make later in your life you will wonder if you have the capacity to make the right choice because you once lacked the courage to over come adversity and the challenges of life. You will also be tormented with regret, guilt and shame.

Abortion will scar you emotionally forever. It will hurt your heart and your body. Abortion can damage your reproductive organs and cause you all kinds of problems when you later decide to conveniently get pregnant… nasty things like incompetent cervix. I wouldn’t wish abortion on my worst enemy. No child deserves abortion, no matter how untimely is their appearance in your life.

Really, you’re just going to have to trust me on this.

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  • Of course, single parenting is not the only alternative to abortion. Adoption can be a beautiful thing, too — and today “open adoption” (in which the mother continues to have contact and/or updates on how the child is doing) is yet another approach.

    I wholeheartedly agree that abortion is not the answer. However, there really are some people who are not ready to parent, and should be encouraged to consider adoption for all the reasons you enumerate here.

    God bless!

    • Heidi, thank you for your comment. I am going to edit this to include adoption as an alternative.

    • Heidi, thank you for your comment. You are right about adoption. 

  • Liked, shared and tweeted.  And speaking of “shared”, thanks for sharing this with us, Kat.

  • robertgwirth

    BRAVO, KAT!!!!!

    May I send this to my friends at Human Life Alliance, please?

  • Another Mom

    Kat, you speak the truth!

    I was doing great in college when I found out at 18 I was pregnant by my long-term sweetheart I’d just left for criminal and psychological issues. I tried to make it work with him, but that was a scary disaster. My family disowned me. I had nothing and I had no one. Unlike your family, they didn’t come around when the baby was born. At one point, I had to live in a homeless shelter to earn enough to get a car and an apartment. 

    It was so worth it. Life didn’t end. It began! I haven’t regretted my decision for a minute. Like Kat, I have my share of fire stories and burnt dinners. And puke. And belly laughs. And astounding wonder. And exhaustion. And prayer. And tickling. And explorations of creeks. And ER visits. And ferris wheel rides. And scraped knees. It’s a life worth living. Not because my kids love me, but because I love them, and love is a powerful transformation.

    A pregnant teenage mom would probably look at me and think she could never do it. Or that I never faced the decisions she does. She’d be very wrong. I was the poster child for abortion advocates. I had everything going for me and stood to lose so much. When it came down to it, I only knew I couldn’t kill my baby. I trusted God to provide the rest. Sometimes slimly and sometimes in abundance, He has done just that even through major trials. I’m here to say that you can do it because it is God’s work and He’ll provide.

    I’ve since married a wonderful man. They do exist and they will love you and your child. They’re worth waiting for. My family has since come around. A few haven’t, so they aren’t in our life. Their loss! We’re also adoptive parents and pray all the time for our children’s other mother. We’re so grateful she chose life! We love her dearly as she is, even though some would say she’s an unlovable person who should never have children. 

    Someone said in front of me the other day, not knowing about her, that people in her circumstances should have their uterus removed. I was so full of anger. That’s my kids they’re talking about! My children’s mother whom I love! I cry for her now, not because of her having a baby but because of those jerks who say something like that and because I know they tell her the same lies. I’m here to tell you that there are people out here like us who will have an appropriate, open adoption and will love that baby and will love you should you choose an adoption plan no matter what your circumstances. Because you and that baby are worthy of love, no matter what you’ve done or had done to you. And if you’ve aborted previous babies, that doesn’t mean one more is no different. That one is your daughter or son, full of life, full of love, full of hope. A new start. It doesn’t matter how bad off you think you are. Between the two of us moms, we cover every end of the argument and we’re here to say that redemption comes with life, whether you parent or make an adoption plan. Not killing your baby is a decision you’ll never regret. 

    • Thank you for this beautiful story. You should share yours as well. Most pregnant women may not face such extreme hardships as you did, so it’s encouraging to read someone’s story of having been through so much. Kudos to you for your amazing life.    

      • Another Mom

        I didn’t realize how long I went on during the late night posting. My apologies! 

  • Visigrad2

    p.s.   and if you truly cannot raise that child…there are thousands of parents in the waiting so ready to adopt .

  • Patricia

    Amen.  Thanks to Kat & to Another Mom for sharing your thoughts & for giving your precious children LIFE.  May your words touch hearts, open minds & save lives. 

  • Ironiccatholic

    Kat, excellent, but…one typo on the third paragraph from the bottom.  You want “possibly” rather than “possible.”  We need to hear the front yard fire  story….

    • Yeah, there were a few of those in there. I wrote this very late last night. I corrected it. If it weren’t for you and Frank I would sound illiterate. 😛  

  • I am pro choice and I agree wholeheartedly with absolutely everything you have said here.  There are far worse things than being a single mom and/or giving your child up for adoption.  Even being pro choice, I would ask/council/encourage/help/support every woman to make the choice of life, their child deserves it.

  • Rfrendz

    Spoken by one of the best parents I have ever known. Of course those awesome grandparents
    rock also!!!
    Love,  Nana

  • Anonymous

    I also “found” myself pregnant at 18, with no money, a deadbeat boyfriend, an estranged family, and zero life skills.  I never considered having an abortion.  I had my son and things DID get better.  I got help (furniture, clothes, toys, food) from our local pro-life organization, and my family eventually came around.  I went to college and got things together.  Not for very long, though, because I was irresponsible and had unrealistic and immature views of the future.  I “found” myself expecting again when I was 24- different deadbeat, and this time I was living in my parents’ basement.  It’s hard to find a bigger loser.  I knew I couldn’t do it again, but still I never considered abortion.  I went to an adoption lawyer and started preparing to give up my child.  I had some complications with the pregnancy and was told that this would probably be my last baby.  I figured if I would never have another, I would like to keep this one.  To make a long story short (leaving out only the most interesting details), I eventually met a true gentleman who loves me and my sons, and we have since had 9 more kids together and have one on the way.  There is no way an 18 yr old can know what the future has in store for her, but one thing is for sure- you can never “take back” an abortion.  There are far too many people out there who are willing to help in whatever ways necessary to save the life of baby and mother for anyone to choose abortion out of so-called “necessity.”  This article is great.  I plan to share it.  Thanks! 

    • Another Mom

      There are a lot more of us out here than we’re led to believe. Thanks for sharing your story, too! 

  • Tcn

    God bless Maria, 18 and illiterate in Guatemala, destitute with no prospects and probably the victim of malfeasance, for giving birth to my son. God bless all those who choose life over death, because without them, many families would simply not exist.

  • Lydiamcgrew

    I’m adopted and am alive now because  my mother–unmarried and without a steady job–chose life. I was conceived pre-Roe, yet she could have gone to Mexico for an abortion. She worried about me until we were put in contact when I was in my thirties but never regretted having had me.

  • Totustuusmaria

    I would like to thank you — just for being human…and mothers.  I love reading things like this.  Inspiring is the right word, but beautiful fills out the concept.

  • Penny

    As a postabortive woman who desperately regrets that choice, I wholeheartedly concur. Thank you.

    • Clea

      I’m in  the same boat as you Penny. Not a day goes by (10+ years) that I dont think of the child who could have been. I look at my children now and DEEPLY regret the one who is not here. It was truly, the worst mistake I ever made. I do feel that nothing I do could ever atone for the murder I committed. God bless you, please pray for me.

      • Penny

        I will pray for you, Clea, and for your family. It is so complicated with the children we now have (who I love desperately, and I miss that I cannot express the same love that I know have for my never-been-born). Not a day goes by that I grieve her. One thing to keep in mind is that God does not rank our sins the way that we do, and forgiveness is absolutely available. Have you considered a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat? Catholic diocese everywhere run them. I went into it terrified but it was the most healing thing that I could have done. Prayerful, respectful, and not cheesy at all. Just a thought.

        Nevertheless, it is hard and lonely. You can’t undo it. I hear you. I will pray for you, and if you ever need to talk about this I would be open to email.

  • YES. Truth. The whole lot of it. 

  • I love this post. I’ve often thought that my husband is the most solid person I know: happy, strong faith, hard working, no “issues” like the rest of us seem to have, etc., and he was raised by a single mother who was very poor. Thanks for writing this!

  • You’re showing another perspective that isn’t often heard in public forums like this. Good Job!

  • Ed

    Message body

    A very courageous personal post! You put yourself and your life out there for everyone to see along with your faults and weaknesses. You have your strengths too, but you don’t really acknowledge them or brag on them much. Probably a good thing too, because pride comes before a fall. The thing I admirer most about you is you faithfulness to God and the Catholic Church in spite of any problems or issues. Keep up the good work. You are an inspiration to others. You are a Courageous Conservative Catholic in my book and I will keep you in my prayers. God bless!

  • Anonymous

    veryss wctube

  • Esb2280

    I had an abortion when I was 17 and it doesn’t make me doubt myself or makes me feel less of a woman. I am pro life for myself now, now that I am 32, but I am pro choice for others, that is NOT my decision to make for them. Being a single mom is hard at times, but its cool too 🙂 if you think I am a coward, so be it, I’ve been called worse.

  • guest

    Thank you. I am exactly in that situation.  I am 6 weeks pregnant. The father of the child, whom I have been dating for the last 6 months, is trying to find every possible way to have me lean toward abortion without really coming out and saying it. My family(brothers) are all for terminating the pregnancy. Seeing my Bf’s reaction, some of my friend are pushing me to terminate as well. But it is the  hardest thing ever, especially if you are raised in the belief that only God has a say on life and death.  I feel stuck and so distraught. I haven’t even been able to pray about it because I have already judged myself; my mother will flip upside down when and if she finds out. 
    I have a good job, making over 70K currently and my salary will go up to at least 100K.  I have student loans out the wazoo and I live in a city that cost an arm and a leg. I’m 32.  In all my life I have never felt on the verge of losing it as i am feeling currently.

  • That’s true.  The most that a child really needs is love.  And with God as Father, no mother would really be alone in raising her child. 🙂