Nothing is private on the internet and we are all judging you…

… I just can’t take it anymore. It has to be said.

Young people… use your brains and quit abusing the internet. Consider your online presence and reputation, and know the internet is forever. Also, what has been seen cannot be unseen. Oh, and actions have consequences.

Here, let me help you.

DON’T…

1) When applying for a job or rental property, don’t use an email that contains slang terms, drug references, or sexual innuendos. Your friends might find your email address humorous but know that I, the person that is paid to evaluate your application and make judgement calls about your character, do not.

Cannabis420King, FAHQ69, milfbabydollz, bangerz, ballerz, pimpdady, bitchslapaho, trideltapartygirl @ generic email address.com. No, just no.

If it’s not your name or some variation of it, don’t use it. Don’t even consider it. Everyone should have a professional email account they use solely for business or to write their mothers.

Please tell me your aren’t emailing your momma from FAHQ69@email.com.

2) Don’t post stupid pictures of yourself falling down drunk, smoking pot, making out with strangers, flipping the bird or being disrespectful. You may think only your friends can see them but trust me, there’s ways around most privacy settings. We all see them and we judge you accordingly.

Do you look like a nice young person that we’d be happy to have join our work team or someone responsible enough to rent a house?

Judging by your online personal page, no.

Also, when you set up your personal page on Tumblr or Instagram be mindful of the username you choose. Screen names like Hustlagurl or FratBoyHo don’t exactly present you to the world as a person who makes good choices.

The fact that you would even post stupid pictures of yourself proves to me you’re incapable of making good choices.

How do I know you’re going to be a nightmare tenant simply by poking around your facebook page? Because you’ve stupidly posted pictures of your wild house party, complete with property damage. How do I know this is your house? Because the house numbers are visible from the outside photos. The outside photos showing you having a naked shopping cart race across the front lawn. The front lawn that you’ve destroyed. And you’re naked in public*.

It takes no huge leaps in logic to determine you don’t make the best decisions and therefore cannot be trusted to behave responsibly.

Is this fair of me to assume of you? Yes. Oh, Absolutely yes.

I don’t care if the photos are twenty years old and you’re not that person anymore. Then delete them. The fact that you’d proudly continue to display these profound acts of dip shittery to the world is evidence enough that Naked Shopping Cart Racer You is just in hibernation and waiting for the siren song of tequila to be shaken from its slumber. Which brings me to number 4.

4) If your gonna do stupid shit don’t take a photo of it and post it on social media. Disable all photo tagging features and do your best to avoid doing stupid shit or being near someone else doing stupid shit. Everyone has a camera and that stupid shit will come back to haunt you.

God, I can’t believe I even have to say this.

5) Actions have consequences. Illegal ones have consequences that keep on giving. And giving. And giving. Seriously, there’s no escaping your arrest record. Ever.

It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, what the circumstances were, or how big of a misunderstanding it was. All that matters is that on every application for the rest of your damned life you are going to have to check that box that says you’ve been arrested and/or convicted.

So you were 18 and it was a fraternity prank to steal the rival college’s pet mascot. How can stealing one little old pig possibly ruin your entire life? Let me tell you how.

You are going to half to look me in the eye some day and explain to me, in full excruciating detail, that you were just a stupid drunk frat boy who stole a pig and promise to me that it will never happen again and you’ve joined a farm animal support group and you’re much wiser from the experience.

Remember that story well because you’re going to have to repeat it to every future employer for the rest of your long life.

Imagine Forty Year Old Father of Two You having to defend your actions because when the background check comes back it won’t say, “Stupid kid pulling college prank”.

No, it will say; breaking and entering, trespassing, possession of stolen goods, animal abuse, disorderly conduct, drunk in public, and resisting arrest. It may even have the added zinger, giving fictitious information, because you thought it cute to say your name was “Joe. Joe who? Joe Momma” to the arresting officer.**

So before you commit that seemingly innocent act of petty theft and vandalism, stop and imagine yourself repeating this story over and over and over till the day you die.

Not so funny now, eh?

*Yes, that example was from a real scenario that has been seared into my memory so deeply a shrimp fork and a bottle of whiskey won’t even pick it out of my brain.

**Again, another very real example of the complete dip shittery I encounter on a regular basis.