Because my dad wasn’t really present with me growing up, I learned to work hard like him but received little guidance from him except the focus on doing. It left me with a bit of a void. He didn’t know what to tell me and I probably wouldn’t have listened to him anyway.
I took matters into my own hand and got enough education to land a job and figure out what it took to be somewhat successful. Because I didn’t have enough grounding, I always looked for someone with a silver bullet type of answer. I also had a deep desire to fit in with the right group that would help me achieve my goals.
It was fairly easy to succeed, I just outworked and out maneuvered those around me. I learned things like public speaking and other people skills. But more than anything, I learned what successful people were like and became like them. I became good at fitting into any situation.
This worked well in organized religion and especially when I became a church planter. Organized religion needs people that need a group. And, the best church planters are those that can fit in to any situation and adapt. Bingo! I’m was in!
Over the years, when I ask people for the silver bullet, they generally told me they didn’t have one. And, I was repeatedly disappointed in the bigger group. Eventually, people didn’t get their way or I didn’t do what they wanted me to do and I would separate from that group to look for another one that would accept me.
When it finally became too much, I stopped being a pastor and eventually stepped down from organized religion. This left me with residual trauma that I eventually had to address. Even though I was finding better connections, I still experienced what felt like rejection.
Eventually, through some of my friends, I started to slowly realize that I could trust myself. I started to understand that the main connection I needed to make was with the universe and with myself. This made all the difference in the world!
We have a deep need for connection, but it’s hard to connect authentically when we have unrealistic expectations of what the other person or group should provide. When we know who we are and we trust ourselves and our instincts, we are more able to experience people instead of expecting things from them.
It’s definitely a process, and I still have progress to make. But that process is coming to me honestly as I am learning to do my own thing better.
I’m trying not to be bitter at organized religion for taking advantage of me. And I reserve the right to speak against the damaging impacts it had on me and others. But, the source of my bliss is trusting my self and evolving forward.
Be where you are,
Be who you are ,
Be at peace,
Photo by Enoch Patro: https://www.pexels.com/photo/grayscale-photo-of-man-in-zip-up-jacket-980258/