| Cathleen Falsani

How would Jesus vote? Keyes can’t presume to know

“Shut up, Donny! . . . You’re outta your element!”

–Walter Sobchak in “The Big Lebowski,” 1998

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He didn’t just say that, did he? It was a joke, right?

The audio wizards on the late-night talk show were just having a little fun patching sound bites together to make wacky quotes, yes?

No. He said it. And apparently, he meant it, too.

“Christ would not vote for Barack Obama because Barack Obama has voted to behave in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved,” Alan Keyes said at a press conference earlier this week.

(Heavy sigh.)

So, let me get this straight. Keyes claims to know how Jesus Christ would vote.

In a Senate election.

In Illinois.

In 2004.

With all due respect, Ambassador, you’re outta your element.

That’s just crazy talk, plain and simple.

We no more know how — or if, for that matter — Jesus Christ, the first-century Jew from Galilee who many believe to be the son of God, would vote than we do what his choice in men’s cologne might be.

Sure, reasoned arguments in favor of Old Spice or the merits of Drakkar Noir could be made, but it’s a fool’s venture to speculate. (My guess would be patchouli oil and, on the rare fancy occasion, maybe a little Tommy Boy aftershave.)

Still, it’s silly to guess, and absurd to say with certitude.

To be fair, Keyes has what he believes are good reasons for claiming that Jesus the Christ is no fan of his Democratic opponent for the vacant U.S. Senate seat in Illinois left by retiring Republican Sen. Peter Fitzgerald.

Late-term abortions, for one. In the Illinois Senate, Obama voted against the Born Alive Infant Protection Act, legislation that would have required doctors to provide medical care to babies that were born alive during an abortion procedure. Opposition to abortion is perhaps the cornerstone of Keyes’ campaign, although the candidate might argue that Jesus is the cornerstone of his campaign.

So in the service of fair reporting, here is what Keyes said during the press conference earlier this week when a reporter asked about an earlier radio interview where he said Jesus would not vote for Obama:

“See, it wasn’t a remark, it was an argument, and there’s a difference,” Keyes said. “What I said was I’m a person of Christian conscience. I make no bones about this…. People think you can make moral judgments without allusion to faith. This is wrong. My faith shapes my conscience.

“I was talking to my campaign workers just last night, making it clear to them that as we conduct a campaign that reaches out to people on the basis of Christian faith, we must treat each other and the folks we work with in a way that respects the requirements of human dignity under that faith. . . . See, because those who represent me must also represent that standard, in my opinion. So, I have to ask myself when I cast a vote for somebody, I’m voting for somebody to represent me, and what I have to ask myself is: Would that vote, would that action be done by Jesus Christ?

“Because if it wouldn’t, that doesn’t represent me. It doesn’t represent my conscience and, by the way, it doesn’t represent the conscience [based on their profession] of the overwhelming majority of people in the state of Illinois because they profess to be Christian people.”

“That being the case, I really think it’s kind of fair, from the point of view of that conscientious decision, to ask whether or not Jesus Christ could vote for somebody, and I think the answer is pretty clear,” Keyes said.

“I cannot vote for you if you would ignore the dignity and claims of that child’s life. So, yes, I did respond quite logically . . . with the conclusion that Christ would not vote for Barack Obama because Barack Obama has voted to behave in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved.”

There you have it.

He definitely has his reasons. But that doesn’t make the premise any more ridiculous.

How would Keyes know how Jesus would vote? How would any of us know? We wouldn’t. And to speculate is merely to project our own ideas and biases onto Christ.

I often wish Jesus would have had the forethought to trademark his name, image and likeness. Like Elvis or the Beatles did. Maybe people would be more careful with what they had him endorsing and the words they put in his mouth if they knew they were running the risk of being sued for trademark infringement.

At the risk of comparing Christianity with fast food, Keyes’ wrongheaded verbal posturing for Christ is the theological equivalent of “Mr. Wendy.” You know the guy on the commercials who runs around singing the praises of Wendy’s junior bacon cheeseburger and spicy chicken sandwich and the evils of other lesser fast-food options.

“Do you work for Wendy’s?” someone inevitably asks. “Not officially,” Mr. Wendy says.

I have no doubts about the sincerity of Keyes’ faith in Jesus Christ. Just as I have no doubt that Obama, too, is a sincere Christian believer. I’ve spent time alone with both candidates talking about their personal faith, and I can tell you with as much certainty as a third party can that the dueling candidates share the same core belief in Jesus Christ as their lord and savior.

While they part ways on different dogmas, doctrines and social issues, they remain part of the same spiritual family, whether they like it or not.

How unfortunate that Keyes feels he needs to attack Obama on the basis of faith. The Bible with which Keyes is so familiar says that only God knows the condition of a man’s heart. It also clearly cautions against judgmentalism and taking God’s name in vain.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and all of that business.

In the meantime, Keyes is, as “The Big Lebowski’s” Walter Sobchak so eloquently put it, “OVER THE LINE!”